Babies

As Production Not Reproduction (another adoption blogger I follow) wisely put, the way we usually celebrate Mothers Day (and Fathers Day, Valentines Day, for that matter) distinctly divides people into two categories - either you're an insider, or you're an outsider. You're a mother (father/valentine), or you're not a mother (father/valentine). If you aren't necessarily desiring to be an insider, this may not be a big deal. If you are, it's a whole different story. Personally, as someone who is currently "in-between" (though sometimes feeling inadequately in-between since I don't have the "belly" to prove it) - not quite a mother yet, but hoping and praying to be one very soon - I wasn't sure what feelings and emotions to anticipate as Mothers Day came closer.

I decided early on that I didn't want to sulk. This was much easier said than done of course - Genilson and I did have several melancholy moments on our way to a Mothers Day lunch, asking God why it hasn't happened for us yet (why? oh why?) - but I knew and was determined that I did not want to be miserable all day. I wanted to celebrate motherhood, not feel depressed about it... after all, motherhood is what I've been yearning for throughout this entire process, not something I want to feel awful about.

As I contemplated what to get my own mother and grandmother for Mothers Day this year, I extended my decision not to be gloomy by making another decision. I knew the documentary film Babies was coming out Mothers Day weekend, I knew I wanted to see it, and I figured since my mom and grandma were perhaps the best people to see it with... why not see it on Mothers Day? Yes, of course I questioned whether watching a film about babies would just make me more depressed on an already difficult day. But I decided I wouldn't let it. Instead of watching the film through the perspective that motherhood is something I don't currently have, I decided to see it from the outlook that motherhood is a blessing still to come.

I'm so thankful I did. I got to spend the afternoon enjoying and laughing at the sweetness, simplicity and hilarity that is babies with the two mothers who had a direct hand in my own upbringing. Babies is beautifully done; it celebrates motherhood in ways that no other film could, and though I maybe walked away wanting to join the community of motherhood even more than I did before (not sure that's possible, but maybe), I'm glad I chose to celebrate the beauty and mystery of motherhood on such an appropriate day to do so. x

{For those of you who haven't heard about it, Babies is a new documentary by French filmmaker Thomas Balmès who simultaneously follows four babies around the world - Namibia, Mongolia, Japan, US - starting at birth up until their first steps. It shows us that while cultures have distinctly different ways of caring for their children, "babyhood" still looks strikingly similar no matter where or who you are. Highly recommended.}

{trailer}

Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

"White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" was one of the most interesting articles I ran across about white privilege while working on my degree at WSU... McIntosh really gives good perspective on the white privilege many of us take for granted.

This is something Genilson and I will continuously need to keep in mind while raising a child of a race different from our own (in fact it happens to be one of the articles Pact first supplied us with when we began the transracial adoption process) ... it's also a good reminder to those who may believe that racism is "dead".

The author, who is a Caucasian American, opens with a statement I that could apply to many Americans of this generation. "I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance in my group."

She goes on...
Whites are taught to think of their lives as morally neutral, normative, and average, and also ideal, so that when we work to benefit others, this is seen as work that will allow "them" to be more like "us"... As far as I can tell, my African American coworkers, friends, and acquaintances with whom I come into daily or frequent contact... cannot count on most of these conditions:

1. I can, if I wish, arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.
2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust me.
3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.
4. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.
5. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.
6. When told about our national heritage or "civilization," I am shown that people of own color made it what it is.
7. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them.
8. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.
9. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.
10. I can easily buy posters, post-cards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's magazines featuring people of my race.
11. I can choose public accommodation without fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chosen.
12. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.
    
13. I can use blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.
14. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem.
    
15. I feel welcomed and "normal" in the usual walks of public life, institutional and social.

{This is only part of the essay... The actual essay lists 50 conditions, whereas I've only listed 15. You can download the entire essay here}

As the future adoptive parent of a child of color this reality scares, overwhelms, and frustrates me. I believe we're going to get through it as a family, but it's going to be a challenge.

Should "white" people feel ashamed of their "whiteness" then? I don't think so. However, I do think it's important that we acknowledge racism as a reality throughout American society, and do what we can to change it, at the very least in our own attitudes.

A lot to think about. x

Openness in Adoption

We are pursuing an "open adoption". What does that mean? It is more than just telling a child they have been adopted, it is more than allowing birth parents to choose the family where their child is placed, it is more than allowing adoptive parents know some information on their child's birthparents. True open adoption (as opposed to closed adoption, or what some call semi-open adoption) has at least one common denominator - openness to maintaining a relationship between a child's birth family and adoptive family throughout the child's life - with the child's best interest in the center (as opposed to the parents' best interest).

Formal adoption has been going on for decades in the United States. Today, we know - through extensive research and case studies - that most adoptees have a natural desire and yearning to understand where they came from, not only to have their questions answered, but also to aid in their development of a sense of self. There is a great deal of literature about this issue - books, journal articles, etc. One in particular, often recognized as a classic, is called The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier, looks at the way in which most adopted children have something within them that is missing if they are unable to understand where they come from, and why their birth parents felt they were unable to care for them. (I don't really like the term "wound" here - it makes adopted people sound helpless or pathetic, but nonetheless it seems at least the concept is probably true).

I've been a bit hesitant to "jump on board" with ABC's new reality show "Find My Family" highlighting the reunification of families, primarily those who were separated through adoption. The reason for my hesitancy is likely rooted in my background working with victims of trauma and the media's tendency to "market" their pain, almost always sympathetically, but nonetheless through a sensationalized eye.

I've been a bit critical about the idea of filming adoptees, birth parents, birth siblings, etc. and their raw emotional response to something as heavy, as deep as past feelings of rejection, abandonment, etc. as they reunite with people they've been longing for their entire life - and then marketing their significant experience as a "show". In addition, I imagine that while reunification is wonderful, it is also difficult. This part will undoubtedly not be filmed, leading viewers to believe all reunifications are "easy" or a "simple" solution. It's also sad that those on the show only have the opportunity to be reunited by being on a show, as opposed to having access to their own records.

Nonetheless, I decided to TiVo "Find My Family" and see what the fuss was about.

I have to say that regardless of my hesitations (which have yet to be disproven but let's put that aside for now), the show is certainly heartwarming, and tastefully celebrates the beauty of reunifcation. It's beautiful to watch as people, who might otherwise have not had the opportunity to do so, reunite with long lost relatives. I worry a bit that adoption might across as the "evil" behind these people's pain, however, I'm hoping the show will acknowledge that "adoption" wasn't the problem - but perhaps the "unknowing".

For me, the strongest message of the show is the fact that it strongly demonstrates the importance of openness. Watching the show, it's clear that having no information and/or no connection was not helpful, and often traumatizing. In years past, openness was not appreciated in the adoption world. The idea was the less that is known, the better. The less birthparents know, the better they will be able to heal. The less adoptees know, the better they can "move on" and "forget" about their roots...

But this is not reality. It is only natural that adoptees would want to figure out where they come from, and why they were relinquished. It is only natural that birth parents will want to know what happened to the child they felt they could not care for. So many adult adoptees today are searching. They are searching because they have so many unanswered questions. Birth parents are also searching. They want to know what happened to their child - so they too have questions.

Open adoption, contrary to popular belief, does not mean "co-parenting". Adoptive parents are the parents. Research demonstrates children are not confused about this. But just because adoptees are loved by their adoptive parents and are an integral part of their adoptive family does not mean they must completely negate their roots, or reject the birth parents who usually care a great deal about what happens to them. Open adoption simply means that the lines of communication stay open for all parties involved.

More about open adoption and how it can work in future posts -
Thanks for reading.