Profile... Step 2

Here's a taste of our profile (or "Dear Birthmother letter") in all it's glory. We've finally put on the final touches, have received all our feedback from Pact, and the next step is sending it to print.










{BTW, I realize these screenshots are unreadable, I've done that for privacy's sake. Just wanted everyone to get the general "feel" for what it looks like}

Next week we will sit down with Pact one last time before they begin sending our profile to potential birth parents. The "wait" is almost here...

Thanks for following.

3 Home Study Visits... Check

That's right! Monday evening was our third and final home study visit with our social worker, R. Our visits have been really great. We've enjoyed getting to know R and telling her about our "story" (after all, who doesn't enjoy talking about themselves?), and it's also been a good opportunity to think about and discuss some of the "tough" questions (such as whether we are "open" to a baby that was exposed to drugs or alcohol during the mother's pregnancy, and what kind of "parenting techniques" we are planning on using, etc).

I have to say the entire process has been rather enlightening, and not at all what I had expected. I originally thought the visits would be somewhat awkward and stressful, especially the "walk through" inspection of the house. I also thought we would constantly feel we were "on display" having to almost "convince" the agency that we were "fit" to be parents. But it wasn't like that at all. Instead, it was just like telling a new friend a bit about where growing up, our marriage, hopes and dreams, and whatever else happened to come up. If anything, it felt like therapy - in a good way, like processing where you come from and why you are the way you are. The "walk through" is really just to check that your home is safe, not perfect. The only difference is really that there is a report (not as scary as it sounds) at the end that outlines our lives, and that the agency is in agreement that adoption is a good plan for us (also not as scary as it sounds).

So, anyway, all that to say, the process was great. We're only glad it's "over" in the sense that it means we are one step closer to baby. (!!)

With the visits now under our belts, R will work on putting together a home study report on all of the information she gathered during the visit. A draft will be sent to us to ensure all of the information is correct, we will sign and return it, and then a final copy will be sent to Pact (and eventually the state). I was expecting the whole home study process would take some time, but so far it's been actually going pretty quickly.

We're also working on getting our final draft together of the profile... hope to have some screenshots up over the next week or so.

Thanks for reading, and Merry Christmas!

'Beyond Culture Camp'

In November of this year, the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute released research on promoting healthy identity formation in adoption, called "Beyond Culture Camp: Promoting Healthy Identity Formation in Adoption". Most of the transracial adoptees interviewed were Koreans adopted transnationally.

Here are the central findings:

• Adoption is an increasingly significant aspect of identity for adopted people as they age, and remains so even when they are adults.

• Race/Ethnicity is an increasingly significant aspect of identity for those adopted across color and culture.

• Coping with discrimination is an important aspect of coming to terms with racial/ethnic identity for adoptees of color.

• Discrimination based on adoption is a reality, but more so for white adoptees - who also report being somewhat less comfortable with their adoptive identity as adults than their transracially adopted counterparts.

• Most transracial adoptees considered themselves white or wanted to be white as children.

• Positive racial/ethnic identity development is most effectively facilitated by "lived" experiences such as travel to native country or culture, attending racially diverse schools, and having role models of their own race/identity.

• Contact with birth relatives, especially according to white respondents, is the most helpful factor in achieving a positive adoptive identity.

• Different factors predict comfort with adoptive and racial/ethnic identity for transracial and white adoptees.

It's all very interesting, and seems to confirm most of what Pact has been telling us all along - that openness matters, that race matters, and that we need to be extra prepared to help our child through their journey of developing a healthy sense of self. Hopefully this means we're on the right track.

(Next, and final, home study visit has been scheduled for Monday evening. We're excited!)

A Profile of Us

We've been putting it off for a while... the very thought of having to write a small "profile" of ourselves (sometimes known as a "Dear Birthmother" letter) that will be shown to expectant parents who may consider us to be the parents of their baby is a BIT overwhelming. It's a balance between wanting to present yourself like the wonderful parent you know you're going to be, but also keeping in mind that you don't want to come across too "perfect" because after all, nobody's perfect, and you want to come across as "real" and down-to-earth as well. It's also difficult to know what aspects of your life the reader will be interested in - family, work, home, beliefs, parenting style (complicated, since we're not yet parents), and of course, in our situation there's always the need to explain our international lifestyle, and what this will mean for our children. Whew...

But we did it, and our rough draft has been sent off to Pact. Now we just wait for feedback, throw in some pictures, and that should be it (actually a bit more complicated since I know it will take us forever to decide which pictures we want to show).

So far, the process has seemed quick at times and slow at other times. I guess it kind of depends on our "mood" and attitude on that particular day. One day it's like "wow, I can't believe how fast this is going" and other days we just want our baby to be in our arms - especially since it's the holidays I think.

Overall though it does feel like the process is going relatively quickly. We've been pretty impressed with Pact and ADOPT. Just one home visit to go (and this one will have the official "inspection"), and a finalized profile and wa-lah we will start being presented to potential birth parents.

We're hoping this "wa-lah" moment will happen in early January... we'll see. :)

Thanks for reading and praying.

Openness in Adoption

We are pursuing an "open adoption". What does that mean? It is more than just telling a child they have been adopted, it is more than allowing birth parents to choose the family where their child is placed, it is more than allowing adoptive parents know some information on their child's birthparents. True open adoption (as opposed to closed adoption, or what some call semi-open adoption) has at least one common denominator - openness to maintaining a relationship between a child's birth family and adoptive family throughout the child's life - with the child's best interest in the center (as opposed to the parents' best interest).

Formal adoption has been going on for decades in the United States. Today, we know - through extensive research and case studies - that most adoptees have a natural desire and yearning to understand where they came from, not only to have their questions answered, but also to aid in their development of a sense of self. There is a great deal of literature about this issue - books, journal articles, etc. One in particular, often recognized as a classic, is called The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier, looks at the way in which most adopted children have something within them that is missing if they are unable to understand where they come from, and why their birth parents felt they were unable to care for them. (I don't really like the term "wound" here - it makes adopted people sound helpless or pathetic, but nonetheless it seems at least the concept is probably true).

I've been a bit hesitant to "jump on board" with ABC's new reality show "Find My Family" highlighting the reunification of families, primarily those who were separated through adoption. The reason for my hesitancy is likely rooted in my background working with victims of trauma and the media's tendency to "market" their pain, almost always sympathetically, but nonetheless through a sensationalized eye.

I've been a bit critical about the idea of filming adoptees, birth parents, birth siblings, etc. and their raw emotional response to something as heavy, as deep as past feelings of rejection, abandonment, etc. as they reunite with people they've been longing for their entire life - and then marketing their significant experience as a "show". In addition, I imagine that while reunification is wonderful, it is also difficult. This part will undoubtedly not be filmed, leading viewers to believe all reunifications are "easy" or a "simple" solution. It's also sad that those on the show only have the opportunity to be reunited by being on a show, as opposed to having access to their own records.

Nonetheless, I decided to TiVo "Find My Family" and see what the fuss was about.

I have to say that regardless of my hesitations (which have yet to be disproven but let's put that aside for now), the show is certainly heartwarming, and tastefully celebrates the beauty of reunifcation. It's beautiful to watch as people, who might otherwise have not had the opportunity to do so, reunite with long lost relatives. I worry a bit that adoption might across as the "evil" behind these people's pain, however, I'm hoping the show will acknowledge that "adoption" wasn't the problem - but perhaps the "unknowing".

For me, the strongest message of the show is the fact that it strongly demonstrates the importance of openness. Watching the show, it's clear that having no information and/or no connection was not helpful, and often traumatizing. In years past, openness was not appreciated in the adoption world. The idea was the less that is known, the better. The less birthparents know, the better they will be able to heal. The less adoptees know, the better they can "move on" and "forget" about their roots...

But this is not reality. It is only natural that adoptees would want to figure out where they come from, and why they were relinquished. It is only natural that birth parents will want to know what happened to the child they felt they could not care for. So many adult adoptees today are searching. They are searching because they have so many unanswered questions. Birth parents are also searching. They want to know what happened to their child - so they too have questions.

Open adoption, contrary to popular belief, does not mean "co-parenting". Adoptive parents are the parents. Research demonstrates children are not confused about this. But just because adoptees are loved by their adoptive parents and are an integral part of their adoptive family does not mean they must completely negate their roots, or reject the birth parents who usually care a great deal about what happens to them. Open adoption simply means that the lines of communication stay open for all parties involved.

More about open adoption and how it can work in future posts -
Thanks for reading.

Diversity at BOSS

This morning we visited Bayside Church of South Sacramento (BOSS). There are several multicultural/diverse churches in the area that we know of, but this is one we've actually been curious about anyway - I've come across some of their ministries to the homeless and families in need through work at Chab Dai, Genilson heard Bishop Sherwood speak at a recent men's retreat - so we thought we'd check it out.

Boy were we impressed. It was such a tremendous blessing to visit a church so abundantly full of life, so multicultural, diverse and on fire for God, the surrounding community, and their communal journey of faith. Of course, this is not to say that other churches we have visited, attended or receive support from are not devoted, on fire or doing great things :), we absolutely LOVE our current faith community - it's more to say that we could truly appreciate BOSS, its people, its multiculturalism, and its particular strengths. It certainly reminded us of church culture in Brazil, and it was a joy for me to watch Genilson as he joined in on the dancing during worship and 'Amen, Hallelujahs' during the message - something very common at his own home church in Aracaju.

Bishop Sherwood's message this morning focused on forgiveness. True forgiveness. Serious forgiveness. Having a forgiving attitude and lifestyle. Realizing that as God's children we are expected to forgive others because we are forgiven ourselves, and that the lack of forgiving others in our lives sends a message to our community - and to God - that we think we are "above" it, that we think we are better or that we don't need forgiveness ourselves. It was powerful, convicting and very real. We loved it.

We loved our visit, we loved the message, we loved the diverse community. We think it will be a great place to build relationships and possibly offer our child access to their racial and cultural heritage. We may visit some other options, but this will be hard to beat. A definite positive is that BOSS has a Saturday evening service, so we can easily attend without having to sacrifice the relationships and/or commitment we have already built at Sunrise and other faith communities. We're excited. :)

Thanks for reading.

It's Getting Closer

Had our second of three home study visits last night... it's incredible to think about how fast the process is moving along! We did a bit better this time at being relaxed. I still cleaned the house, but just not as much as last time.

This visit was a big different than last time. Half of the visit was with Genilson, half of the visit was with me (Tania). We talked about our childhoods, growing up, families, etc. It was almost like therapy, but definitely in a good way. :)

R will give us a call early next week to schedule our third and final visit... looks like we'll probably be done with the study by the new year! This last visit will focus on our views of parenthood, discipline, and child rearing practices... something we obviously have no experience doing, so it should make for an interesting conversation. R is great - we really have enjoyed our visits with her.

In the meantime, we're going to be working on getting our "profile" together... kind of challenging considering we want to show expectant parents who we are in a matter of only a couple pages!!

Thanks for following along...

Building Culture Across Community

Wednesday was our first "Building Culture Across Community" (BCAC) meeting with Beth at Pact. These sessions are designed for adoptive couples who plan to (or are open to) adopting an infant of a race different from their own. Because Pact is focused on placing children of color, they have lots of experience working with transracial families ("transracial" = families with members of multiple races), so they are a great resource when it comes to knowing what to expect, and how to eventually help your child connect to their personal racial heritage. The meeting great! We really enjoyed ourselves.

Regardless of what many of us have been led to believe, race does matter. It certainly doesn't "matter" in the sense that we should love one race more than the other, see people only by the color of their skin, or make judgments about someone because they are "black" or "brown" - but it does matter in the sense that race is real, and shouldn't be ignored completely, as if skin color differences didn't exist, racism didn't exist, and/or as if we all didn't come from a specific racial and cultural heritage. Ignoring race doesn't make race or racism go away.

But isn't love "colorblind"? It certainly should be. However, this kind of stance by itself ignores the complex reality that institutionalized, societal and internalized racism are real issues that face people of color around the world. Not only do visible differences between parents and children increase challenges to their acceptance by society as a family unit, when adoptive parents raise child of a race different from their own, it's important they come prepared for the fact that their child is going to not only notice that their skin is a different color (probably at a very young age), but that their experience in life - as citizen of a stratified, deep-seeded racist society - is going to have challenges different from their own. This means that the development of a positive racial identity needs to be addressed, and parents must be prepared.

Here's what one transracial adoptee said: (taken from "Inside Transracial Adoption" by Beth Hall & Gail Steinberg)

"My parents believed that a loving family 'makes' the child. I disagree. Colorblindness is a luxury black children can't afford. Love does not prepare an African American child for the society we live in. And love does not replace the importance of knowing your ethnicity and culture. Today, I say I am African American" (page 31).

So what does all this mean in our situation? Thankfully, we have had a great deal of experience working with - and loving - diverse communities of people. We are very aware of the fact that racism still exists, and are going to prepare ourselves as much as possible to help our child strategize on ways to be resilient when faced with racist attitudes, etc. In addition, Pact has suggested we prepare by reaching out and building more relationships with people of color. Whether we begin visiting a local African American church, or start frequenting local Hispanic cultural events, etc. doing these things will provide opportunities to build relationships with people who can eventually serve as role models to our adopted child. Awkward? Perhaps. But Pact has assured us that usually, when approached with the right attitude, people tend to be honored and happy to help us learn more about their community.

Thanks for reading. :)