What's in a Word??

Those who know me in the context of my work at Chab Dai, know my obsession with using appropriate language in reference to issues surrounding social justice, child protection, human trafficking, prostitution, etc. So, of course, when we started educating ourselves about adoption and I came across articles and information about "positive adoption language" I immediately caught on to why this kind of thing is important.

Many of us don't think about it much, but the way we speak is directly correlated to the way we see and understand the world. Words don't only give facts, they convey emotion. We associate ideas, feelings and opinions with certain words, sometimes regardless of their literal meaning.

When we use language that evokes stigmatization or historical negative connotation, even if we intend no harm, our words stigmatize and give negative meaning to whatever we're talking about. In turn, this only fuels our and others' prejudices and ignorance regarding certain topics.

There are several articles, resources, etc. that have been written about using "positive adoption language" or "respectful adoption language (RAL)", and the majority of them stick to a similar lexicon, though there are some differences. As expected, these lexicons are always in motion, with new perspectives always entering the scene and causing people to think more about negative connotations attached to adoption terms throughout history.

So here's some of the recommended terminology:


We certainly don't have it "all together" so we're still working on trying to use this language as best we can. The more people use it, the more it will catch on and become a regular part of everyone's vocabulary.

Intrigued? Here are some more resources:
Adoptive Families: Positive Adoption Language
Perspectives Press: Speaking Positively
Suite 101: Positive Adoption Language

Thanks for following!

Openness in Adoption

We are pursuing an "open adoption". What does that mean? It is more than just telling a child they have been adopted, it is more than allowing birth parents to choose the family where their child is placed, it is more than allowing adoptive parents know some information on their child's birthparents. True open adoption (as opposed to closed adoption, or what some call semi-open adoption) has at least one common denominator - openness to maintaining a relationship between a child's birth family and adoptive family throughout the child's life - with the child's best interest in the center (as opposed to the parents' best interest).

Formal adoption has been going on for decades in the United States. Today, we know - through extensive research and case studies - that most adoptees have a natural desire and yearning to understand where they came from, not only to have their questions answered, but also to aid in their development of a sense of self. There is a great deal of literature about this issue - books, journal articles, etc. One in particular, often recognized as a classic, is called The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier, looks at the way in which most adopted children have something within them that is missing if they are unable to understand where they come from, and why their birth parents felt they were unable to care for them. (I don't really like the term "wound" here - it makes adopted people sound helpless or pathetic, but nonetheless it seems at least the concept is probably true).

I've been a bit hesitant to "jump on board" with ABC's new reality show "Find My Family" highlighting the reunification of families, primarily those who were separated through adoption. The reason for my hesitancy is likely rooted in my background working with victims of trauma and the media's tendency to "market" their pain, almost always sympathetically, but nonetheless through a sensationalized eye.

I've been a bit critical about the idea of filming adoptees, birth parents, birth siblings, etc. and their raw emotional response to something as heavy, as deep as past feelings of rejection, abandonment, etc. as they reunite with people they've been longing for their entire life - and then marketing their significant experience as a "show". In addition, I imagine that while reunification is wonderful, it is also difficult. This part will undoubtedly not be filmed, leading viewers to believe all reunifications are "easy" or a "simple" solution. It's also sad that those on the show only have the opportunity to be reunited by being on a show, as opposed to having access to their own records.

Nonetheless, I decided to TiVo "Find My Family" and see what the fuss was about.

I have to say that regardless of my hesitations (which have yet to be disproven but let's put that aside for now), the show is certainly heartwarming, and tastefully celebrates the beauty of reunifcation. It's beautiful to watch as people, who might otherwise have not had the opportunity to do so, reunite with long lost relatives. I worry a bit that adoption might across as the "evil" behind these people's pain, however, I'm hoping the show will acknowledge that "adoption" wasn't the problem - but perhaps the "unknowing".

For me, the strongest message of the show is the fact that it strongly demonstrates the importance of openness. Watching the show, it's clear that having no information and/or no connection was not helpful, and often traumatizing. In years past, openness was not appreciated in the adoption world. The idea was the less that is known, the better. The less birthparents know, the better they will be able to heal. The less adoptees know, the better they can "move on" and "forget" about their roots...

But this is not reality. It is only natural that adoptees would want to figure out where they come from, and why they were relinquished. It is only natural that birth parents will want to know what happened to the child they felt they could not care for. So many adult adoptees today are searching. They are searching because they have so many unanswered questions. Birth parents are also searching. They want to know what happened to their child - so they too have questions.

Open adoption, contrary to popular belief, does not mean "co-parenting". Adoptive parents are the parents. Research demonstrates children are not confused about this. But just because adoptees are loved by their adoptive parents and are an integral part of their adoptive family does not mean they must completely negate their roots, or reject the birth parents who usually care a great deal about what happens to them. Open adoption simply means that the lines of communication stay open for all parties involved.

More about open adoption and how it can work in future posts -
Thanks for reading.

Building Culture Across Community

Wednesday was our first "Building Culture Across Community" (BCAC) meeting with Beth at Pact. These sessions are designed for adoptive couples who plan to (or are open to) adopting an infant of a race different from their own. Because Pact is focused on placing children of color, they have lots of experience working with transracial families ("transracial" = families with members of multiple races), so they are a great resource when it comes to knowing what to expect, and how to eventually help your child connect to their personal racial heritage. The meeting great! We really enjoyed ourselves.

Regardless of what many of us have been led to believe, race does matter. It certainly doesn't "matter" in the sense that we should love one race more than the other, see people only by the color of their skin, or make judgments about someone because they are "black" or "brown" - but it does matter in the sense that race is real, and shouldn't be ignored completely, as if skin color differences didn't exist, racism didn't exist, and/or as if we all didn't come from a specific racial and cultural heritage. Ignoring race doesn't make race or racism go away.

But isn't love "colorblind"? It certainly should be. However, this kind of stance by itself ignores the complex reality that institutionalized, societal and internalized racism are real issues that face people of color around the world. Not only do visible differences between parents and children increase challenges to their acceptance by society as a family unit, when adoptive parents raise child of a race different from their own, it's important they come prepared for the fact that their child is going to not only notice that their skin is a different color (probably at a very young age), but that their experience in life - as citizen of a stratified, deep-seeded racist society - is going to have challenges different from their own. This means that the development of a positive racial identity needs to be addressed, and parents must be prepared.

Here's what one transracial adoptee said: (taken from "Inside Transracial Adoption" by Beth Hall & Gail Steinberg)

"My parents believed that a loving family 'makes' the child. I disagree. Colorblindness is a luxury black children can't afford. Love does not prepare an African American child for the society we live in. And love does not replace the importance of knowing your ethnicity and culture. Today, I say I am African American" (page 31).

So what does all this mean in our situation? Thankfully, we have had a great deal of experience working with - and loving - diverse communities of people. We are very aware of the fact that racism still exists, and are going to prepare ourselves as much as possible to help our child strategize on ways to be resilient when faced with racist attitudes, etc. In addition, Pact has suggested we prepare by reaching out and building more relationships with people of color. Whether we begin visiting a local African American church, or start frequenting local Hispanic cultural events, etc. doing these things will provide opportunities to build relationships with people who can eventually serve as role models to our adopted child. Awkward? Perhaps. But Pact has assured us that usually, when approached with the right attitude, people tend to be honored and happy to help us learn more about their community.

Thanks for reading. :)

One more FAQ + Adoption Stories in the Bible

An additional question we've been "frequently asked" lately is regarding fertility...

Are you adopting because of infertility? As far as we know, we do not have any medical infertility issues. For us, adoption is something we've wanted to do for several years in order to grow our family. We understand some couples choose to adopt after facing infertility, and that's great, just not our situation.

We didn't choose adoption because we are "heroes" or because it "saves" children. We are adopting because we are ready to start a family, and adoption provides an opportunity for children to grow up in a stable and loving home when their birthparents are not able to care for them. It is our belief that adoption is the heart of God, and it is also our heart. Is adoption for everyone? Probably not. Is it for us? We believe so!

We recently finished reading a book called "The Adoption Decision" by Laura Christianson. As we read, we were surprised at the number of adoption stories Christianson pointed to in the Bible - stories many of us have heard about for years, but perhaps have overlooked the "adoption" part:

• Esther was adopted by her older cousin, Mordecai
• Moses was adopted by the Pharoah's daughter, Jochebed
• David informally adopts Jonathan's special needs son, Mephibosheth
  
• Joseph was an adoptive father to Jesus
• Christ offers to adopt all of us as His children
  

Thanks so much for your prayers & support.