Time to Wait

It's that time. The home study is done, the family profile complete. We're officially in the waiting room, waiting to be chosen by a birth family.

The last time around, the 'waiting room' was undoubtedly the most challenging part of the process. We were incredibly anxious. In fact, I distinctly remember the day our wait began. We hung up the phone with Pact and held our breath... maybe 'the call' would come right away?! The wait seemed like forever (in reality it was 6 months, which is actually pretty good). 

We are of course extremely excited about this second adoption, but the anticipation is a bit different this time around. Not sure if this is because we are focused on parenting Ezra (who can be quite the handful) as opposed to anticipating what parenting might be like; or perhaps because we know a bit more of what to expect. The 'call' could happen in a matter of weeks, but this is not something we really anticipate happening. Much more likely will be a wait of at least a couple of months. It could be a year or more.

Because Pact does not typically work with families living overseas, it will be interesting to see how birth families respond to the idea that we live in Cambodia. Some may see it as exotic, others may see it as weird.

As of this moment, I feel prepared to wait. But then again, let's see how I feel in a couple of months. I'll keep you posted.

Adoption Day

Today marks 1 year since Ezra's adoption was finalized in court. To celebrate, we gathered with close friends for dinner and cake.

The invite

A special cake... Made by our friends at Bloom

So happy about his party, hasn't even noticed his friends smooching in the corner!

With our lovely nanny

Friends

With Mama

Home study, take 2

Just came upstairs from finishing our first home study visit for adoption number two.

It's funny how things are so different the second time around. So much less intimidating. It brings me back to our first home study experience two years ago.

Here's a glimpse if you missed it:

Genilson chuckled at me as I paced the house about 30 minutes before our social worker arrived - setting the tea out, changing my hair, asking him to change his shirt (ok, perhaps he didn't chuckle at that one)... cleaning the toilet... and then low and behold, our social worker arrives. I offer tea, coffee, muffins?... and she politely declines saying it's sweet, but not necessary. Two hours go by, and she doesn't use the bathroom either (Did I really think she'd be impressed by my super clean sink and extra hand towels anyway?). (Blessed to Adopt, 26 Nov. 2009)

Ha. Clearly, we had no idea what to expect. I distinctly remember taking up almost the entire day preparing for that first visit. As excited and anxious first time parents, the adoption and home study process consumed us.

This time around is a bit different. Obviously we now have Ezra, and we are in Cambodia living in a different house. We may have a different social worker, but we know that the home study process is not about appearances or how perfectly clean your house is. With our agency it's been much more about working together to assess our preparedness to care for a new child in our home than about a "test" to see whether we are "fit" for parenthood. How do you feel about the adoption? What are your hopes and dreams for the future? How has parenting differed from what you originally expected? What kind of life do you imagine for your family 5, 10 years from now?

Many people have told me that "having a baby" the second time around is different than the first time. Initially, I'm not sure I understood what people meant. Why would it be different? It doesn't seem fair that parents should be more excited about their first child than their second child. But even through my very early experiences of preparing for our second adoption, I am beginning to see what people mean.

As first time parents we were dreamers. We "themed" and prepared the nursery months ahead of time. I spent hours researching baby gear online and reading What to Expect type blogs and books. I may not have been physically pregnant, but I definitely "nested" and was obsessed with preparing our home as best I could.

This time I have barely thought about the baby's room, much less the baby gear or baby clothes. First of all, with a toddler in the house I'm not sure when I would have the time to do that. I see now that this doesn't mean I don't "care" as much about our second child, it's just a different stage of life.

Before we had Ezra I didn't fully know what to expect or what I would need, so my way of getting ready was to prepare myself with material knowledge - baby books, trends, baby gear, nursery theme, etc. (and there's nothing wrong with that - it was all I knew to do). Through my initial parenting experience, however, I have come to realize that while the book knowledge and gear may be helpful (and fun), when your baby comes it all kind of blurs into the background. Not just because you're sleep deprived and exhausted, but also because you realize it's the baby that you were waiting for, and not necessarily the stuff.

When I look at pictures of Ezra as a small newborn I can't believe how quickly this stage of his life went by. As a new mom I was always thinking about the next stage without truly appreciating the current one. So I'd like to think that even though our second baby may not get the same amount of preliminary nesting and anticipation, what they will get is a mother who is seeking to savor and appreciate each day, each week, each month of their early life.

I look forward to continuing the journey.

 

It's that time again.

It's that time again. Starting paperwork for adoption #2. More details to come.

1 Year Ago Today

One year ago today we woke up with a great deal of anticipation. Anticipation about what the day would bring... what the week would bring... how our lives were about to change.

One year ago today we went to the hospital, dressed our newborn baby boy, gave a long embrace to M {holding back the tears until my complete breakdown in the car} and brought him to his new home. It was a special day I want to preserve forever. In retrospect, I see now that I was in "auto" mode that day... so overwhelmed at the emotion, so afraid that something was going to go wrong, and just the newness of it all that I just walked through the motions, unable to fully grasp what was happening.

Everyone tells you to appreciate the moment... that your children are going to grow up so fast. I'm not sure I truly understood what that meant until now (though perhaps I will continue to learn that as I get older). I can't believe it's been a year. Ezra is walking, learning to talk, and developing his own little personality. It's like a push and pull between not wanting him to grow up but also looking forward to seeing who he becomes.

Even with all the waiting, the process and the anticipation, I'm not sure I really could have anticipated the joy that has been Ezra. Nor do I think I anticipated all the work that parenthood really is (all worth it of course). Adoption, parenthood... it's such an education journey... and on so many levels. It's humbling to think of all that Genilson and I have learned since we started the process 21 months ago... about ourselves, about family, about our relationship. And it's even more humbling to think of all the learning that's still to come.

Happy Birthday Ezra. You are a gift.

Finality

Last June, Ezra entered our hearts and became a beloved member of our family. Last Monday, March 7, what we already knew in our hearts became "official" on paper.

Early Monday morning we, along with several members of the extended family, squeezed into the judge's chambers for a very special occasion... Ezra's adoption finalization. The formality of finalization is short and sweet, but is significant all the same. We agreed to love and parent Ezra, the judge agreed that being placed in our family is in Ezra's best interest, everyone signed, Ezra gave a clap (no, really), and it was official. Yay!

Thanks for following. x

A new chapter

Clearly, motherhood has been busy! It's been months since my last post.

Ezra will be 8 months next week. 8 months... I can't believe it. He just started crawling a couple of weeks ago, and is now climbing on absolutely everything.

Ezra {7 months}

{Ezra, 6 months) / Photo Courtesy of Jeremy Maz Photography

{Ezra, 6 months} / Photo Courtesy of Jeremy Maz Photography

I had hoped I would be able to keep up with blogging over the last couple of months, but clearly the reality that I haven't blogged since September has demonstrated that perhaps the busyness of being a new mother has trumped blogging lately.

I've gone back and forth on whether to continue, or whether to stop my little blogging conversation here. After all, the "process" of adopting has practically come to a close with finalization hopefully being in a couple of weeks... but at the same time a new adventure - in fact the real adventure - of parenting, of family life, has just begun... perhaps even more so considering we're about to move back to Cambodia in April.

And I love blogging. So I'm hoping to find some more time and to renew my commitment here.

I love being a mom. I love being an adoptive mom. I also love my family, my husband, my job, my opportunities to travel. So I think it's time to expand my conversation here a bit further into my life... my international, activist, analytic, admittedly crazy life. After all, being Ezra's mom certainly correlates with these aspects of life too.

Thus, here starts a new chapter of {blessed} to adopt.

3 months

Here is our handsome little Ezra at 3 months.



Since placement we have had two post-placement visits with our dear social worker, R (same one who did our home study, which has been great), and we hope to finalize early next year. In the meantime, Ezra continues to grow (and grow and grow), and we love him more dearly every single day.

I promise {to you and to myself} that one day I will have time to blog again. x

2 months

Blogging and being a new mom at the same time has become a bit of a challenge. :) Here are some snapshots of Ezra at 2 months to hold everyone over... Isn't he the cutest? x

Introducing Baby Ezra

Today we got to bring home our beautiful new son, Ezra.

There are no words to describe the emotion, the joy, the bittersweetness for M... it's been quite the day.

He is sweet, handsome, precious... perfect. x

Situation Update

So here's the latest. We're in a match (yay!). Baby boy was born here in Northern California on Sunday. We got "the call" from Pact yesterday evening and have since talked to birth mom on the phone. Mom (who I will call "M") and Baby are both doing well - healthy, resting, no complications. We're heading out of town and over to the hospital to spend some time with them this afternoon. They are expected to check out of the hospital Wednesday morning, and relinquishment will likely happen around that time as well.

SO... Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Nothing is final until after relinquishment and then finalization, so there are still some significant steps before this actually happens, and we of course want M to feel assured in her decision.

As you can imagine, we are a bit overwhelmed and anxious, but also SUPER excited.

Pray that everything goes well today with M - that we feel comfortable with one another, don't let our nerves overcome us, and that we are able to develop a relationship based on trust and understanding, which will be really important as Baby gets older.

I'll continue to give updates as we know more.

P.S. Several of you have left comments and somehow I've managed to delete them - I'm in a bit of a fog I guess, and didn't realize what I did until it was too late! If you can, leave them again! We love comments and would love encouragement! x

Possible Match

Possible match situation. Keep us in your prayers. I'll give an update as soon as I can.

AdopTalk

Last Saturday we got up early, hopped in the car, picked up my mom and were off to Oakland for another Pact seminar... this one called "AdopTalk"... focused on talking through and helping your child(ren) process their adoption experience, preparing for questions they have about their adoption, helping them develop a positive sense of self as an adopted person, and basically just hashing through parental concerns about "saying the right thing" (if such a thing exists).

As always, Pact was great. The seminar was helpful, thought provoking, and allowed us the opportunity to understand the experiences of adoptive families already in progress. It had been a while since our last seminar, so it was also a good way to reconnect with Pact and feel reassured our adoption will indeed happen... we just have to continue practicing patience. Bringing my mom along was an extra blessing because it gave her the opportunity to meet Beth, become more familiar with Pact, and perhaps get some of her own questions answered too.

On the "waiting" front... After much careful and prayerful consideration, Genilson and I have decided to get our family profile out there a bit more and extend our adoptive circle to include an organization called Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC). This means that we will continue to work with Pact and will work with CAC at the same time (working with more than organization is actually more common in adoption than you might think).

We really think this extension will not only help get us "out there" a bit more, but actually allows us the best of both worlds as we process all that's happening.

Tracie at CAC is proving to be very committed to helping us through the adoption process as smoothly as possible, according to budget (which is of course, a must) and has lots of contacts within the Christian community of adoption, which we haven't had as much access to up to this point. So far, we have been very impressed.

As everyone knows (since I talk about it all the time), Pact is fantastic and has been a tremendous help to us in adoption education, networking, and we know they will continue to be of immeasurable help as we continue through the adoption process, through placement, and even thereafter (they are a great continued support to their adoptive families even post-placement). Pact has an extensive network with the general adoption community, especially those who have developed solid reputations over a long history of interaction with them, are committed to best practices, and supporting all members of the adoption triad.

Both organizations fit us in different ways, both organizations are committed to us, and both organizations feel they can help us as we continue to pursue our adoption plan. Who could want more?

In the meantime, we will continue to wait ...with God's help and as patiently as possible. x

{120}

One hundred twenty days since we started to wait... sometimes it feels "the call" will never come, other days I tell myself it hasn't been that long. Waiting is one of those things that's all relative, but it's difficult no matter what... no matter how "short" or how "long"... it doesn't matter because when patience is required, an hour can seem just as long as a week, month, year.

It's tempting at times to want to "jump in" and "do something about it" - as if I could just do some Google searches, make some calls, gain control of the situation and "make" something happen. Sign on with more agencies? Pay more agencies to search? Pay higher fees? (As if we have more money to spend... ha). But deep down I know throwing money at it won't give me anymore control anyway. How can it? This isn't a "thing" we can (or should) just "pay for". That's not what we want. We are confident we are with the right agency. We are confident God knows what he is doing. {We just need to wait, trust God, and accept it's out of our control.}

I've scoured the Internet, chat groups, adoption sites, etc. seeking "answers" on how to wait... how to manage my impatience... how not to lose hope. Unfortunately, there aren't really any secret answers out there - only what I already know in my gut. {We just have to wait, trust God, and accept it's out of our control.}

Sometimes I read other adoption blogs. I like to gain perspective by reading posts before and then after an adoptive family is matched. The before post usually goes a lot like this one: patience is difficult, and "when is it ever going to happen??!?" But then there's the after post... when a child joins their new forever family... and it's clear all the waiting was totally, 100% worth it.

One day... hopefully one day soon, I hope to look back at this post, smile, and truly understand how much all this waiting was worth it. It's difficult to imagine today, but it will happen. {We just need to wait, trust God and accept it's out of our control.} x

Bill of Rights

Many may know me as a bit of a human rights "enthusiast" due to my involvement in the anti human trafficking movement. While I'm not sure about such a title, I do think it's always important to consider the fundamental rights of every person... and this certainly applies to adoption, and perhaps especially the adopted child.

As I've mentioned before, it's very important to consider the child's best interest when thinking about and considering any kind of adoption. Thanks to Pact for this great resource entitled, "A Transracially-Adopted Child's Rights".

• Every child is entitled to love and full membership in her family.
• Every child is entitled to have his culture embraced and valued.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that this is a race conscious society.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that she will experience life differently than they do.
• Every child is entitled to parents who are not looking to "save" him or to improve the world.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that transracial adoption changes the family forever.
• Every child is entitled to be accepted by extended family members.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that, if they are white, they benefit from racism.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that they can't transmit the child's birth culture if it is not their own.
• Every child is entitled to have items at home that are made for and by people of his race.
• Every child is entitled to daily opportunities of positive experiences with his birth culture.
• Every child is entitled to build racial pride within his own home, school and neighborhood.
• Every child is entitled to have many opportunities to connect with adults of the child's race.
• Every child is entitled to parents who accept, understand and empathize with her culture.
• Every child is entitled to learn survival, problem-solving, and coping skills in a context of racial pride.
• Every child is entitled to take pride in the development of a dual identity and a multicultural/multiracial perspective on life.
• Every child is entitled to find his multiculturalism to be an asset and to conclude, "I've got the best of both worlds."

Many of these may seem "obvious" to some - but I guarantee they are not "obvious" to all, especially in practice and in everyday life.

As far as our being matched for adoption, no news yet. Please keep praying for a match soon. x

Still Waiting

Waiting, waiting. I look at my little Lilypie ticker on the right of the page, and it states so far we've been on our adoption journey for exactly 5 mos, 1 wk and 4 days... officially "waiting" for 1 month and 3 weeks.

1 month and 3 weeks... somehow, it seems like each day has moved really slowly, while at the same time all together quickly... it doesn't make logical sense, but somehow it's true. Some days it feels like I'm going absolutely crazy with anticipation (not to mention impatience), and other days it doesn't seem "so bad" - though the moment I start thinking about it, fears about it "never" happening begin to creep in and I have to push them away and keep moving. The 3-6 months "average" time frame presented at the beginning of the adoption process doesn't seem so bad until you're actually living it.

Working on our owl inspired nursery every now and then has been one way of keeping myself occupied and hopeful outside of work. Mom and I have gone on a couple trips to local fabric/craft shops to seek out owl fabrics and fun patterns for some homemade projects (boppy pillow cover, shopping cart cover, diaper caddy to name a few...). Of course, I also have my eye on a couple super cute things on Etsy.

In the meantime we continue to wait as patiently as we can with hopes that we will have something more to report soon! x

Dollars + Cents

It's the question lots want to ask but perhaps it's just too nosy or awkward. "Exactly how much does adoption cost?"... and quite possibly, "How are you guys affording this?" It's no secret that Genilson and I are not incredibly wealthy. Doing ministry or working for a small non-profit isn't exactly something you do for the money.

The expenses of adoption are complicated. It's illegal to buy a human being for any reason (she says, the director of an anti-human trafficking organization), including for adoption. At the same time, however, there are expenses that go along with what's involved in the adoption process: the home study, criminal background checks, adoption education, travel, legal fees, facilitation services, administrative expenses, health care expenses (for the baby and birth mother), and the list goes on and on... not to mention that once your baby arrives you have the same expenses any new parents would have!

The numbers vary according to who you ask, but adoption expenses in the United States vary from $0 (Fost-Adopt) to $20,000 (average for private agency adoption), to over $40,000 (usually independent adoption). For the breakdown of one survey, look here.

When deciding on what adoption agency we were going to work with, the expenses were confusing. Some agencies charged over $20,000 for their services alone (not including travel, legal, etc.) while others charged under $10,000.

Our choice to go with Pact had to do with several factors, but one major determining factor was its sliding fee scale, based on the adoptive parents' income. We knew we wanted an agency that approached the financial issue with integrity, and with the guarantee that money was not their motive for arranging adoptions, the sole determining factor in "how fast" a baby would come, or the "kind" of baby we were going to get (yes, that happens).

The good news about adoption expenses is the IRS offers an adoption tax credit of up to about $12,500. Frankly, without this credit, I'm not sure we could afford any of this. There are also several adoption grants, usually based on need, that adoptive parents can apply for if they need additional financial assistance. We decided to apply for three grants that seemed promising for our particular situation.

So... in conclusion, yes, adoption is pretty pricey. Our adoption will probably be between $13,000 and $18,000. But there's hope, it's doable, and we believe it all to be worth it. x

True Colors

Saturday we took a trip over to Oakland for a Pact workshop on transracial adoption called 'True Colors'. In addition to being a great placement organization, Pact is dedicated and committed to quality adoption education with all members of the adoption triad (child, birth family, adoptive parents), regardless of whether they are using their placement services.

We highly respect Pact for their commitment to ethics and adoption education, and it was a primary reason we decided to work with them.

True Colors... what's that? Transracial adoption (meaning adopting a child who is of a different race than your own) requires additional sensitivity and parenting skills. An adopted child of color will naturally face challenges related to their race that parents of a different race have never experienced (for example, I will never know entirely what it is like to grow up as an African American because it is not something I can experience).

Is this really an issue? Does race really matter? Yes. Many of us, especially those who belong to the majority, were raised to treat race as if it was invisible. Just don't talk about it, and it won't matter. Treat everyone the same, and race will no longer be an issue. While this may sound like the ideal (after all, we know skin color is not related to a person's true character), it unfortunately has not worked. We continue to live in a racist society, and children need to be prepared to handle discrimination when it happens. We can't deny the fact our children will face racism somewhere. We certainly don't want our children to internalize racism as if it has something to do with them. Therefore, it needs to be talked about. For more on this, see my post from 3 Dec 2009.

The seminar was great. Lots was discussed. Lots was shared. Two adult transracial adoptees of color shared their personal experiences and gave insight on what it felt like to be raised by white families where they were the racial outsider. Both were raised during a time when adoptive parents were not told they should address issues of race, and in fact, both adoptees said their parents continue to be reluctant to talk about such issues even today.

Both experienced severe racism growing up, but felt they had no one to talk to about it. Both struggled with fitting in. Both experienced a time during which they wished they were white. Both internalized their racism at a very young age. Both felt they had to deal with their insecurities on their own. Both continue to grapple with their experience even today.

Interestingly, just last week Genilson and I watched a documentary called Adopted directed by Barb Lee. I had been wanting to see it for ages, and it just recently became available on Netflix, so I added it to my queue, and it just happened to arrive days before this seminar. I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in the effects of international and transracial adoption, though I should warn it is equally (or perhaps more) depressing as it is hopeful.

Parallel to everything said by the adult adoptees at 'True Colors', Adopted's Jen Faro, a Korean adult adoptee, struggles intensely with the fact that her family refuses to discuss her "Korean-ness" and cannot understand why their 32 year old daughter never felt bonded to them, or why she is making such a 'fuss' over her race. Faro's journey is paralleled with another couple's excitement and joy as they travel and pick up their new daughter in China. The journeys of both are a dichotomy between overwhelming anticipation and overpowering regret.

Perhaps the most cutting comment made by Faro (at least for me) was her statement that "families adopt, but adoptees adapt". Faro continuously felt she had to adapt to what her family wanted of her rather than just being herself. She felt her family pretended, needed and wanted her to be white, so she did all she could to reject her Korean-ness and be as "white" as she could. She felt she couldn't talk about her Korean heritage, or even the fact the she was adopted, because it would hurt her family's feelings, and come across as ungrateful. Growing up, she chose to ignore her true feelings, and learned to adapt. As an adult, Faro attempts to reach out and speak with family about this reality. Unfortunately, her family members are confused and can't understand what their daughter is even talking about.

If anything, the film and True Colors definitely bring the "why" of so much adoption education to the forefront. We certainly want to built an attachment relationship with our child, and do not want our child to grow up in resentment of the fact that we cannot acknowledge their racial identity.

It is a blessing to know we are working with an organization as committed to education as Pact, and adopting during a time when these challenges are being openly talked about. x

What's in a Word??

Those who know me in the context of my work at Chab Dai, know my obsession with using appropriate language in reference to issues surrounding social justice, child protection, human trafficking, prostitution, etc. So, of course, when we started educating ourselves about adoption and I came across articles and information about "positive adoption language" I immediately caught on to why this kind of thing is important.

Many of us don't think about it much, but the way we speak is directly correlated to the way we see and understand the world. Words don't only give facts, they convey emotion. We associate ideas, feelings and opinions with certain words, sometimes regardless of their literal meaning.

When we use language that evokes stigmatization or historical negative connotation, even if we intend no harm, our words stigmatize and give negative meaning to whatever we're talking about. In turn, this only fuels our and others' prejudices and ignorance regarding certain topics.

There are several articles, resources, etc. that have been written about using "positive adoption language" or "respectful adoption language (RAL)", and the majority of them stick to a similar lexicon, though there are some differences. As expected, these lexicons are always in motion, with new perspectives always entering the scene and causing people to think more about negative connotations attached to adoption terms throughout history.

So here's some of the recommended terminology:


We certainly don't have it "all together" so we're still working on trying to use this language as best we can. The more people use it, the more it will catch on and become a regular part of everyone's vocabulary.

Intrigued? Here are some more resources:
Adoptive Families: Positive Adoption Language
Perspectives Press: Speaking Positively
Suite 101: Positive Adoption Language

Thanks for following!

The Waiting Room

Well, the wait is here... officially (though I guess we've been "waiting" in some capacity all along).

This morning we had our final "preliminary chat" with Beth over at Pact... basically the last conversation before the official "wait" was to begin.

It was exciting and intimidating all at the same time when the call was coming to a close and Beth told us we are now officially "out there" ... waiting for a potential match. The wait could be a day, a month, or several months, maybe even a year. Regardless of how long, we are officially "waiting"... waiting to be found... waiting for the "call"... waiting to be matched... waiting to be parents... and bringing our baby home is just around the corner.

So how does it all work? Our profile (see last post), which has been translated into English and Spanish, has been sent over to Pact who will present it to expectant parents looking into adoption. When expectant parents choose us as their first choice, Pact will give us a call, present information on the birth family, and give us some time to think it over. If we feel it's a good match for us, Pact will help us connect with the expectant parents (whether by phone, or with a visit if they are close by, etc.). Sometimes, we might get a call about a baby that is due within 24 hours, or has already been born.

From there, the process could follow several different journeys depending on the particular situation of the birth parents, their location, and how far along they are in their pregnancy. So more on that when it actually happens.

It's all very exciting. It's one step closer... a very significant step closer. We are thrilled, nervous and overwhelmed all at the same time. The waiting period could very well last a long time (or at least what feels to be a very long time), so it's a challenge to balance being excited with knowing we will need to have patience... but it's a challenge we're excited to be facing. Keep us in your prayers as we wait!

Yay!
Thanks for following.