Mommy-hood

Being a new Mommy is exciting, wonderful, and emotionally overwhelming all at the same time. Each day I groggily wake up, make my way to the living room (hubby has early morning duty thanks to early World Cup games... thank you FIFA) and I can't believe it - we have a son, a beautiful son. We are a new family. It's real. It's happening. The wait is over. Baby Ezra is home, and we love him.

Ezra is thriving. He's a strong boy. At 2.5 weeks he can already lift his head, hold it up, and move it from side to side. He has gained a pound since birth, and eats around the clock. Small signs of a personality are already beginning to show as well - he's very expressive and pretty relaxed, but is also determined and knows what he wants.

The more I fall in love with Ezra, the more I know our experience with M at the hospital is something I will never forget. I think about it often. I just can't imagine what it would have been like had we chosen anything other than an open adoption, or had we not had the opportunity to spend such a meaningful time with Ezra and his birth family during such a crucial moment. Our time at the hospital could not have gone smoother, and we are just so grateful to have had such a positive experience. We certainly hope that the depth of those moments together (many captured on film of course) will be evident to Ezra when he looks back in years to come.

Spending time with M was a curious experience - one that I couldn't have really imagined or understood until it happened. I immediately loved her - not just because she chose us to parent Ezra or because she was trusting us with her son; but also because of her own love for Ezra, her strength, courage and determined spirit. We talked, we learned about each other, and we named our baby boy together.

My love and respect deepened for M even further when it was time to leave the hospital and take Ezra home. It's one of those feelings that perhaps needs its own name since it's so difficult to explain and no other words would do it justice.. I was so excited that we were finally taking Ezra home, and yet my heart ached for the separation that was about to take place. M was confident and gracious. She carried Ezra out of the hospital, helped me buckle him into his car seat, and they said their good-byes. We hugged and told her we'd call when we got home. Then I climbed into the drivers seat, turned on the engine and just cried.

(Thankfully, once we left the hospital parking lot we decided to pull over at a Starbucks where I could gather myself a bit before the 2 hour drive home).

Becoming a mother through adoption has allowed me to gain many insights I don't believe I would have gained any other way. Each day with Ezra is a new blessing, brings about new challenges, and allows me to learn more about myself, God, and the world in which we live. I guess that is what mommy-hood is all about. x

My hubby caught this moment of us during our afternoon nap last week (and yes, we are really sleeping).

Great Day

Today at the hospital was great. We spent about 4 hours with M and Baby boy... both are very sweet and we are so pleased with how everything went.

Paperwork, relinquishment, etc. are scheduled to happen tomorrow in the early afternoon... If all goes well, our new family of three will be home tomorrow evening! Parenthood is just around the corner...

Thanks for all of the prayer and support!!! We appreciate all of the encouragement. x

Situation Update

So here's the latest. We're in a match (yay!). Baby boy was born here in Northern California on Sunday. We got "the call" from Pact yesterday evening and have since talked to birth mom on the phone. Mom (who I will call "M") and Baby are both doing well - healthy, resting, no complications. We're heading out of town and over to the hospital to spend some time with them this afternoon. They are expected to check out of the hospital Wednesday morning, and relinquishment will likely happen around that time as well.

SO... Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Nothing is final until after relinquishment and then finalization, so there are still some significant steps before this actually happens, and we of course want M to feel assured in her decision.

As you can imagine, we are a bit overwhelmed and anxious, but also SUPER excited.

Pray that everything goes well today with M - that we feel comfortable with one another, don't let our nerves overcome us, and that we are able to develop a relationship based on trust and understanding, which will be really important as Baby gets older.

I'll continue to give updates as we know more.

P.S. Several of you have left comments and somehow I've managed to delete them - I'm in a bit of a fog I guess, and didn't realize what I did until it was too late! If you can, leave them again! We love comments and would love encouragement! x

True Colors

Saturday we took a trip over to Oakland for a Pact workshop on transracial adoption called 'True Colors'. In addition to being a great placement organization, Pact is dedicated and committed to quality adoption education with all members of the adoption triad (child, birth family, adoptive parents), regardless of whether they are using their placement services.

We highly respect Pact for their commitment to ethics and adoption education, and it was a primary reason we decided to work with them.

True Colors... what's that? Transracial adoption (meaning adopting a child who is of a different race than your own) requires additional sensitivity and parenting skills. An adopted child of color will naturally face challenges related to their race that parents of a different race have never experienced (for example, I will never know entirely what it is like to grow up as an African American because it is not something I can experience).

Is this really an issue? Does race really matter? Yes. Many of us, especially those who belong to the majority, were raised to treat race as if it was invisible. Just don't talk about it, and it won't matter. Treat everyone the same, and race will no longer be an issue. While this may sound like the ideal (after all, we know skin color is not related to a person's true character), it unfortunately has not worked. We continue to live in a racist society, and children need to be prepared to handle discrimination when it happens. We can't deny the fact our children will face racism somewhere. We certainly don't want our children to internalize racism as if it has something to do with them. Therefore, it needs to be talked about. For more on this, see my post from 3 Dec 2009.

The seminar was great. Lots was discussed. Lots was shared. Two adult transracial adoptees of color shared their personal experiences and gave insight on what it felt like to be raised by white families where they were the racial outsider. Both were raised during a time when adoptive parents were not told they should address issues of race, and in fact, both adoptees said their parents continue to be reluctant to talk about such issues even today.

Both experienced severe racism growing up, but felt they had no one to talk to about it. Both struggled with fitting in. Both experienced a time during which they wished they were white. Both internalized their racism at a very young age. Both felt they had to deal with their insecurities on their own. Both continue to grapple with their experience even today.

Interestingly, just last week Genilson and I watched a documentary called Adopted directed by Barb Lee. I had been wanting to see it for ages, and it just recently became available on Netflix, so I added it to my queue, and it just happened to arrive days before this seminar. I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in the effects of international and transracial adoption, though I should warn it is equally (or perhaps more) depressing as it is hopeful.

Parallel to everything said by the adult adoptees at 'True Colors', Adopted's Jen Faro, a Korean adult adoptee, struggles intensely with the fact that her family refuses to discuss her "Korean-ness" and cannot understand why their 32 year old daughter never felt bonded to them, or why she is making such a 'fuss' over her race. Faro's journey is paralleled with another couple's excitement and joy as they travel and pick up their new daughter in China. The journeys of both are a dichotomy between overwhelming anticipation and overpowering regret.

Perhaps the most cutting comment made by Faro (at least for me) was her statement that "families adopt, but adoptees adapt". Faro continuously felt she had to adapt to what her family wanted of her rather than just being herself. She felt her family pretended, needed and wanted her to be white, so she did all she could to reject her Korean-ness and be as "white" as she could. She felt she couldn't talk about her Korean heritage, or even the fact the she was adopted, because it would hurt her family's feelings, and come across as ungrateful. Growing up, she chose to ignore her true feelings, and learned to adapt. As an adult, Faro attempts to reach out and speak with family about this reality. Unfortunately, her family members are confused and can't understand what their daughter is even talking about.

If anything, the film and True Colors definitely bring the "why" of so much adoption education to the forefront. We certainly want to built an attachment relationship with our child, and do not want our child to grow up in resentment of the fact that we cannot acknowledge their racial identity.

It is a blessing to know we are working with an organization as committed to education as Pact, and adopting during a time when these challenges are being openly talked about. x

Romans 8:25

The waiting room of adoption consists of a lot less "doing" and a lot more faith. Faith in adoption professionals. Faith in the system. And of course, faith in God's goodness and perfect timing.

Faith can be difficult, even for the most seasoned of believers. I know it is for me. Many of us are just so control-obsessed. We want to control, or at least pretend to control, practically everything in our lives. Relinquishing control and having to depend on faith alone often makes us antsy and uncomfortable. Of course, the two of us have had to maintain faith in God in other areas of our lives - in our marriage, at work, for financial support, for ministry direction, etc. But this is a different area of our lives, and we know it's only the beginning of the patience and faith we will have to learn as parents.

Since officially entering the waiting room - only 10 days ago - I feel we've been walking around in a kind of a daze. We certainly have lots of responsibilities, lots to do. Work, house projects, errands, bills to pay. We have friends, family. But regardless of what my hands are doing, what my brain is thinking, or what my lips are saying, at least 10% of my mind (maybe more) is aware of the fact that our lives are about to change, causing me to wonder when it's all going to happen, where our baby is at that very moment, and whether anyone is currently considering us as parents for their child.

It's difficult. It's difficult because I want things to happen now. I want to know. I want to open my heart and believe that all of this is actually going to happen. I want parenthood to stop being a romantic dream, and for it to become reality in front of my very eyes.

But this isn't where the difficulty ends. It only complicates more when I realize that I need, I want to allow God to maintain control over this situation - not me. I don't know best. God knows better. I don't just want any baby, I want to be chosen by birth parents whose baby is a right match for us. And because God knows this baby intimately already, I want to trust His timing more than my own.

So there it is. The difficult balance of waiting and faith. It's overwhelming, it's exhausting, it's challenging. It's only the beginning. But it's part of the ride, and we know it's worth it. x

What's in a Word??

Those who know me in the context of my work at Chab Dai, know my obsession with using appropriate language in reference to issues surrounding social justice, child protection, human trafficking, prostitution, etc. So, of course, when we started educating ourselves about adoption and I came across articles and information about "positive adoption language" I immediately caught on to why this kind of thing is important.

Many of us don't think about it much, but the way we speak is directly correlated to the way we see and understand the world. Words don't only give facts, they convey emotion. We associate ideas, feelings and opinions with certain words, sometimes regardless of their literal meaning.

When we use language that evokes stigmatization or historical negative connotation, even if we intend no harm, our words stigmatize and give negative meaning to whatever we're talking about. In turn, this only fuels our and others' prejudices and ignorance regarding certain topics.

There are several articles, resources, etc. that have been written about using "positive adoption language" or "respectful adoption language (RAL)", and the majority of them stick to a similar lexicon, though there are some differences. As expected, these lexicons are always in motion, with new perspectives always entering the scene and causing people to think more about negative connotations attached to adoption terms throughout history.

So here's some of the recommended terminology:


We certainly don't have it "all together" so we're still working on trying to use this language as best we can. The more people use it, the more it will catch on and become a regular part of everyone's vocabulary.

Intrigued? Here are some more resources:
Adoptive Families: Positive Adoption Language
Perspectives Press: Speaking Positively
Suite 101: Positive Adoption Language

Thanks for following!

Profile... Step 2

Here's a taste of our profile (or "Dear Birthmother letter") in all it's glory. We've finally put on the final touches, have received all our feedback from Pact, and the next step is sending it to print.










{BTW, I realize these screenshots are unreadable, I've done that for privacy's sake. Just wanted everyone to get the general "feel" for what it looks like}

Next week we will sit down with Pact one last time before they begin sending our profile to potential birth parents. The "wait" is almost here...

Thanks for following.

A Profile of Us

We've been putting it off for a while... the very thought of having to write a small "profile" of ourselves (sometimes known as a "Dear Birthmother" letter) that will be shown to expectant parents who may consider us to be the parents of their baby is a BIT overwhelming. It's a balance between wanting to present yourself like the wonderful parent you know you're going to be, but also keeping in mind that you don't want to come across too "perfect" because after all, nobody's perfect, and you want to come across as "real" and down-to-earth as well. It's also difficult to know what aspects of your life the reader will be interested in - family, work, home, beliefs, parenting style (complicated, since we're not yet parents), and of course, in our situation there's always the need to explain our international lifestyle, and what this will mean for our children. Whew...

But we did it, and our rough draft has been sent off to Pact. Now we just wait for feedback, throw in some pictures, and that should be it (actually a bit more complicated since I know it will take us forever to decide which pictures we want to show).

So far, the process has seemed quick at times and slow at other times. I guess it kind of depends on our "mood" and attitude on that particular day. One day it's like "wow, I can't believe how fast this is going" and other days we just want our baby to be in our arms - especially since it's the holidays I think.

Overall though it does feel like the process is going relatively quickly. We've been pretty impressed with Pact and ADOPT. Just one home visit to go (and this one will have the official "inspection"), and a finalized profile and wa-lah we will start being presented to potential birth parents.

We're hoping this "wa-lah" moment will happen in early January... we'll see. :)

Thanks for reading and praying.

Openness in Adoption

We are pursuing an "open adoption". What does that mean? It is more than just telling a child they have been adopted, it is more than allowing birth parents to choose the family where their child is placed, it is more than allowing adoptive parents know some information on their child's birthparents. True open adoption (as opposed to closed adoption, or what some call semi-open adoption) has at least one common denominator - openness to maintaining a relationship between a child's birth family and adoptive family throughout the child's life - with the child's best interest in the center (as opposed to the parents' best interest).

Formal adoption has been going on for decades in the United States. Today, we know - through extensive research and case studies - that most adoptees have a natural desire and yearning to understand where they came from, not only to have their questions answered, but also to aid in their development of a sense of self. There is a great deal of literature about this issue - books, journal articles, etc. One in particular, often recognized as a classic, is called The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier, looks at the way in which most adopted children have something within them that is missing if they are unable to understand where they come from, and why their birth parents felt they were unable to care for them. (I don't really like the term "wound" here - it makes adopted people sound helpless or pathetic, but nonetheless it seems at least the concept is probably true).

I've been a bit hesitant to "jump on board" with ABC's new reality show "Find My Family" highlighting the reunification of families, primarily those who were separated through adoption. The reason for my hesitancy is likely rooted in my background working with victims of trauma and the media's tendency to "market" their pain, almost always sympathetically, but nonetheless through a sensationalized eye.

I've been a bit critical about the idea of filming adoptees, birth parents, birth siblings, etc. and their raw emotional response to something as heavy, as deep as past feelings of rejection, abandonment, etc. as they reunite with people they've been longing for their entire life - and then marketing their significant experience as a "show". In addition, I imagine that while reunification is wonderful, it is also difficult. This part will undoubtedly not be filmed, leading viewers to believe all reunifications are "easy" or a "simple" solution. It's also sad that those on the show only have the opportunity to be reunited by being on a show, as opposed to having access to their own records.

Nonetheless, I decided to TiVo "Find My Family" and see what the fuss was about.

I have to say that regardless of my hesitations (which have yet to be disproven but let's put that aside for now), the show is certainly heartwarming, and tastefully celebrates the beauty of reunifcation. It's beautiful to watch as people, who might otherwise have not had the opportunity to do so, reunite with long lost relatives. I worry a bit that adoption might across as the "evil" behind these people's pain, however, I'm hoping the show will acknowledge that "adoption" wasn't the problem - but perhaps the "unknowing".

For me, the strongest message of the show is the fact that it strongly demonstrates the importance of openness. Watching the show, it's clear that having no information and/or no connection was not helpful, and often traumatizing. In years past, openness was not appreciated in the adoption world. The idea was the less that is known, the better. The less birthparents know, the better they will be able to heal. The less adoptees know, the better they can "move on" and "forget" about their roots...

But this is not reality. It is only natural that adoptees would want to figure out where they come from, and why they were relinquished. It is only natural that birth parents will want to know what happened to the child they felt they could not care for. So many adult adoptees today are searching. They are searching because they have so many unanswered questions. Birth parents are also searching. They want to know what happened to their child - so they too have questions.

Open adoption, contrary to popular belief, does not mean "co-parenting". Adoptive parents are the parents. Research demonstrates children are not confused about this. But just because adoptees are loved by their adoptive parents and are an integral part of their adoptive family does not mean they must completely negate their roots, or reject the birth parents who usually care a great deal about what happens to them. Open adoption simply means that the lines of communication stay open for all parties involved.

More about open adoption and how it can work in future posts -
Thanks for reading.

Welcome!

That's right... We're adopting... and we're super excited! There is a long journey ahead of us - most likely with lots of challenges along the way - but we are excited about what the Lord is going to do throughout the process.

Our intention for this blog is to: 1) provide a way for family & friends to keep up with the adoption process; 2) to keep us occupied once we start "waiting" to be matched; and 3) to have some real "in the moment" commentary that we and our child can look back on in the future (we just found out that blogs can even be published into books once they're finished up!).

To start out, we thought we'd answer some frequently asked questions about our plans:

• Domestic or International? We will be adopting a baby from within the United States, making this a "domestic adoption".
  
• What organization or agency are you using? After a great deal of research and asking around, we've chosen to pursue adoption through Pact, An Adoption Alliance in Oakland. In partnership with Pact, Adopt International will conduct our home study.
• How old? Our child will most likely be a newborn and we will probably get to bring the child home from the hospital!
  
• What about gender and race? We have chosen to adopt a child of any gender, and any race. Pact specifically focuses on placing infants of color, so we will most likely be placed with a child from a race different than our own. Pact is GREAT at helping adoptive parents address issues pertaining to raising a child with a different racial, cultural and/or ethnic heritage.
• Open or closed? We have chosen to pursue an open adoption. This means: 1) Our child's birthparents will select us; 2) We will likely either speak with or meet the birthparents before the child is born; 3) We will exchange personal information with our child's birthparents; and 4) We will maintain relationship with them throughout our child's life, and encourage our child to learn about their biological roots. Research demonstrates open adoption is often the most beneficial for everyone involved in an adoption, especially the child.
  
• How long will it take? This is a difficult question to answer since we will be chosen by our child's birthparents, and we don't know when that will happen. However, Pact usually places within 6 to 12 months.
• Isn't adoption expensive? It can be! Thankfully, Pact allows us to put a "limit" on how much we are willing to spend, and we will only be presented to situations that cater to our spending preferences. Adoption costs within the United States can vary from anything from $1,500 (usually fost-adopt) to $50,000! One very important piece of the puzzle is that adoptive parents can claim up to $13,000 in tax credits during the year the adoption is finalized. Because of this tax credit, we are able to adopt. The adoption we are pursuing will most likely cost between $10,000 and $16,000 - leaving only a couple thousand after the credit. (Of course, pray this ends up on the lower end!)
  
• Where are we in the process as of today? We have officially become clients of Pact, and are currently finishing up paperwork to send to our home study agency. Since we are off to visit Cambodia on Nov. 1 for three weeks, we hope to get all of our paperwork in before we leave and then schedule our first home visits for when we return.
  

Hopefully this answers some of your questions.
We certainly appreciate your thoughts and prayers throughout the process!