Bill of Rights

Many may know me as a bit of a human rights "enthusiast" due to my involvement in the anti human trafficking movement. While I'm not sure about such a title, I do think it's always important to consider the fundamental rights of every person... and this certainly applies to adoption, and perhaps especially the adopted child.

As I've mentioned before, it's very important to consider the child's best interest when thinking about and considering any kind of adoption. Thanks to Pact for this great resource entitled, "A Transracially-Adopted Child's Rights".

• Every child is entitled to love and full membership in her family.
• Every child is entitled to have his culture embraced and valued.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that this is a race conscious society.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that she will experience life differently than they do.
• Every child is entitled to parents who are not looking to "save" him or to improve the world.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that transracial adoption changes the family forever.
• Every child is entitled to be accepted by extended family members.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that, if they are white, they benefit from racism.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that they can't transmit the child's birth culture if it is not their own.
• Every child is entitled to have items at home that are made for and by people of his race.
• Every child is entitled to daily opportunities of positive experiences with his birth culture.
• Every child is entitled to build racial pride within his own home, school and neighborhood.
• Every child is entitled to have many opportunities to connect with adults of the child's race.
• Every child is entitled to parents who accept, understand and empathize with her culture.
• Every child is entitled to learn survival, problem-solving, and coping skills in a context of racial pride.
• Every child is entitled to take pride in the development of a dual identity and a multicultural/multiracial perspective on life.
• Every child is entitled to find his multiculturalism to be an asset and to conclude, "I've got the best of both worlds."

Many of these may seem "obvious" to some - but I guarantee they are not "obvious" to all, especially in practice and in everyday life.

As far as our being matched for adoption, no news yet. Please keep praying for a match soon. x

Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

"White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" was one of the most interesting articles I ran across about white privilege while working on my degree at WSU... McIntosh really gives good perspective on the white privilege many of us take for granted.

This is something Genilson and I will continuously need to keep in mind while raising a child of a race different from our own (in fact it happens to be one of the articles Pact first supplied us with when we began the transracial adoption process) ... it's also a good reminder to those who may believe that racism is "dead".

The author, who is a Caucasian American, opens with a statement I that could apply to many Americans of this generation. "I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance in my group."

She goes on...
Whites are taught to think of their lives as morally neutral, normative, and average, and also ideal, so that when we work to benefit others, this is seen as work that will allow "them" to be more like "us"... As far as I can tell, my African American coworkers, friends, and acquaintances with whom I come into daily or frequent contact... cannot count on most of these conditions:

1. I can, if I wish, arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.
2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust me.
3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.
4. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.
5. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.
6. When told about our national heritage or "civilization," I am shown that people of own color made it what it is.
7. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them.
8. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.
9. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.
10. I can easily buy posters, post-cards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's magazines featuring people of my race.
11. I can choose public accommodation without fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chosen.
12. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.
    
13. I can use blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.
14. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem.
    
15. I feel welcomed and "normal" in the usual walks of public life, institutional and social.

{This is only part of the essay... The actual essay lists 50 conditions, whereas I've only listed 15. You can download the entire essay here}

As the future adoptive parent of a child of color this reality scares, overwhelms, and frustrates me. I believe we're going to get through it as a family, but it's going to be a challenge.

Should "white" people feel ashamed of their "whiteness" then? I don't think so. However, I do think it's important that we acknowledge racism as a reality throughout American society, and do what we can to change it, at the very least in our own attitudes.

A lot to think about. x

True Colors

Saturday we took a trip over to Oakland for a Pact workshop on transracial adoption called 'True Colors'. In addition to being a great placement organization, Pact is dedicated and committed to quality adoption education with all members of the adoption triad (child, birth family, adoptive parents), regardless of whether they are using their placement services.

We highly respect Pact for their commitment to ethics and adoption education, and it was a primary reason we decided to work with them.

True Colors... what's that? Transracial adoption (meaning adopting a child who is of a different race than your own) requires additional sensitivity and parenting skills. An adopted child of color will naturally face challenges related to their race that parents of a different race have never experienced (for example, I will never know entirely what it is like to grow up as an African American because it is not something I can experience).

Is this really an issue? Does race really matter? Yes. Many of us, especially those who belong to the majority, were raised to treat race as if it was invisible. Just don't talk about it, and it won't matter. Treat everyone the same, and race will no longer be an issue. While this may sound like the ideal (after all, we know skin color is not related to a person's true character), it unfortunately has not worked. We continue to live in a racist society, and children need to be prepared to handle discrimination when it happens. We can't deny the fact our children will face racism somewhere. We certainly don't want our children to internalize racism as if it has something to do with them. Therefore, it needs to be talked about. For more on this, see my post from 3 Dec 2009.

The seminar was great. Lots was discussed. Lots was shared. Two adult transracial adoptees of color shared their personal experiences and gave insight on what it felt like to be raised by white families where they were the racial outsider. Both were raised during a time when adoptive parents were not told they should address issues of race, and in fact, both adoptees said their parents continue to be reluctant to talk about such issues even today.

Both experienced severe racism growing up, but felt they had no one to talk to about it. Both struggled with fitting in. Both experienced a time during which they wished they were white. Both internalized their racism at a very young age. Both felt they had to deal with their insecurities on their own. Both continue to grapple with their experience even today.

Interestingly, just last week Genilson and I watched a documentary called Adopted directed by Barb Lee. I had been wanting to see it for ages, and it just recently became available on Netflix, so I added it to my queue, and it just happened to arrive days before this seminar. I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in the effects of international and transracial adoption, though I should warn it is equally (or perhaps more) depressing as it is hopeful.

Parallel to everything said by the adult adoptees at 'True Colors', Adopted's Jen Faro, a Korean adult adoptee, struggles intensely with the fact that her family refuses to discuss her "Korean-ness" and cannot understand why their 32 year old daughter never felt bonded to them, or why she is making such a 'fuss' over her race. Faro's journey is paralleled with another couple's excitement and joy as they travel and pick up their new daughter in China. The journeys of both are a dichotomy between overwhelming anticipation and overpowering regret.

Perhaps the most cutting comment made by Faro (at least for me) was her statement that "families adopt, but adoptees adapt". Faro continuously felt she had to adapt to what her family wanted of her rather than just being herself. She felt her family pretended, needed and wanted her to be white, so she did all she could to reject her Korean-ness and be as "white" as she could. She felt she couldn't talk about her Korean heritage, or even the fact the she was adopted, because it would hurt her family's feelings, and come across as ungrateful. Growing up, she chose to ignore her true feelings, and learned to adapt. As an adult, Faro attempts to reach out and speak with family about this reality. Unfortunately, her family members are confused and can't understand what their daughter is even talking about.

If anything, the film and True Colors definitely bring the "why" of so much adoption education to the forefront. We certainly want to built an attachment relationship with our child, and do not want our child to grow up in resentment of the fact that we cannot acknowledge their racial identity.

It is a blessing to know we are working with an organization as committed to education as Pact, and adopting during a time when these challenges are being openly talked about. x

'Beyond Culture Camp'

In November of this year, the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute released research on promoting healthy identity formation in adoption, called "Beyond Culture Camp: Promoting Healthy Identity Formation in Adoption". Most of the transracial adoptees interviewed were Koreans adopted transnationally.

Here are the central findings:

• Adoption is an increasingly significant aspect of identity for adopted people as they age, and remains so even when they are adults.

• Race/Ethnicity is an increasingly significant aspect of identity for those adopted across color and culture.

• Coping with discrimination is an important aspect of coming to terms with racial/ethnic identity for adoptees of color.

• Discrimination based on adoption is a reality, but more so for white adoptees - who also report being somewhat less comfortable with their adoptive identity as adults than their transracially adopted counterparts.

• Most transracial adoptees considered themselves white or wanted to be white as children.

• Positive racial/ethnic identity development is most effectively facilitated by "lived" experiences such as travel to native country or culture, attending racially diverse schools, and having role models of their own race/identity.

• Contact with birth relatives, especially according to white respondents, is the most helpful factor in achieving a positive adoptive identity.

• Different factors predict comfort with adoptive and racial/ethnic identity for transracial and white adoptees.

It's all very interesting, and seems to confirm most of what Pact has been telling us all along - that openness matters, that race matters, and that we need to be extra prepared to help our child through their journey of developing a healthy sense of self. Hopefully this means we're on the right track.

(Next, and final, home study visit has been scheduled for Monday evening. We're excited!)

Diversity at BOSS

This morning we visited Bayside Church of South Sacramento (BOSS). There are several multicultural/diverse churches in the area that we know of, but this is one we've actually been curious about anyway - I've come across some of their ministries to the homeless and families in need through work at Chab Dai, Genilson heard Bishop Sherwood speak at a recent men's retreat - so we thought we'd check it out.

Boy were we impressed. It was such a tremendous blessing to visit a church so abundantly full of life, so multicultural, diverse and on fire for God, the surrounding community, and their communal journey of faith. Of course, this is not to say that other churches we have visited, attended or receive support from are not devoted, on fire or doing great things :), we absolutely LOVE our current faith community - it's more to say that we could truly appreciate BOSS, its people, its multiculturalism, and its particular strengths. It certainly reminded us of church culture in Brazil, and it was a joy for me to watch Genilson as he joined in on the dancing during worship and 'Amen, Hallelujahs' during the message - something very common at his own home church in Aracaju.

Bishop Sherwood's message this morning focused on forgiveness. True forgiveness. Serious forgiveness. Having a forgiving attitude and lifestyle. Realizing that as God's children we are expected to forgive others because we are forgiven ourselves, and that the lack of forgiving others in our lives sends a message to our community - and to God - that we think we are "above" it, that we think we are better or that we don't need forgiveness ourselves. It was powerful, convicting and very real. We loved it.

We loved our visit, we loved the message, we loved the diverse community. We think it will be a great place to build relationships and possibly offer our child access to their racial and cultural heritage. We may visit some other options, but this will be hard to beat. A definite positive is that BOSS has a Saturday evening service, so we can easily attend without having to sacrifice the relationships and/or commitment we have already built at Sunrise and other faith communities. We're excited. :)

Thanks for reading.

Building Culture Across Community

Wednesday was our first "Building Culture Across Community" (BCAC) meeting with Beth at Pact. These sessions are designed for adoptive couples who plan to (or are open to) adopting an infant of a race different from their own. Because Pact is focused on placing children of color, they have lots of experience working with transracial families ("transracial" = families with members of multiple races), so they are a great resource when it comes to knowing what to expect, and how to eventually help your child connect to their personal racial heritage. The meeting great! We really enjoyed ourselves.

Regardless of what many of us have been led to believe, race does matter. It certainly doesn't "matter" in the sense that we should love one race more than the other, see people only by the color of their skin, or make judgments about someone because they are "black" or "brown" - but it does matter in the sense that race is real, and shouldn't be ignored completely, as if skin color differences didn't exist, racism didn't exist, and/or as if we all didn't come from a specific racial and cultural heritage. Ignoring race doesn't make race or racism go away.

But isn't love "colorblind"? It certainly should be. However, this kind of stance by itself ignores the complex reality that institutionalized, societal and internalized racism are real issues that face people of color around the world. Not only do visible differences between parents and children increase challenges to their acceptance by society as a family unit, when adoptive parents raise child of a race different from their own, it's important they come prepared for the fact that their child is going to not only notice that their skin is a different color (probably at a very young age), but that their experience in life - as citizen of a stratified, deep-seeded racist society - is going to have challenges different from their own. This means that the development of a positive racial identity needs to be addressed, and parents must be prepared.

Here's what one transracial adoptee said: (taken from "Inside Transracial Adoption" by Beth Hall & Gail Steinberg)

"My parents believed that a loving family 'makes' the child. I disagree. Colorblindness is a luxury black children can't afford. Love does not prepare an African American child for the society we live in. And love does not replace the importance of knowing your ethnicity and culture. Today, I say I am African American" (page 31).

So what does all this mean in our situation? Thankfully, we have had a great deal of experience working with - and loving - diverse communities of people. We are very aware of the fact that racism still exists, and are going to prepare ourselves as much as possible to help our child strategize on ways to be resilient when faced with racist attitudes, etc. In addition, Pact has suggested we prepare by reaching out and building more relationships with people of color. Whether we begin visiting a local African American church, or start frequenting local Hispanic cultural events, etc. doing these things will provide opportunities to build relationships with people who can eventually serve as role models to our adopted child. Awkward? Perhaps. But Pact has assured us that usually, when approached with the right attitude, people tend to be honored and happy to help us learn more about their community.

Thanks for reading. :)

Michael Oher + 'The Blind Side'

In honor of National Adoption Month (November), WORLD magazine did a great little story on Michael Oher - his journey through homelessness, as a transracial adoptee, and into the NFL - also the story behind the new film starring Sandra Bullock entitled "The Blind Side" (which we have yet to see... but definitely plan on it).

According to the article, Oher grew up in the projects of New Orleans, was addicted to crack cocaine and living on the streets by the age of 15, and in the eyes of many, had "no future" ahead of him. Practically by mere coincidence, Oher came to know the Tuohy family - family owners of fast food chains such as KFC, Taco Bell and Long John Silver - who through various ups and downs decided to give Oher a place to stay.

Recently, Oher was nominated as NFL's 'Rookie of the Year' and as mentioned above, a book and film have been written about his life experiences.

There is no doubt in our mind that Oher's adoption journey was tough. Perhaps what is most beautiful about the story - at least the story as it is portrayed in "The Blind Side" - is the way in which Oher's adoption by the Tuohy family not only helped "change" Oher's future, but in turn, actually changed the adoptive family. It wasn't about "saving" - but about coming together as a family and growing together.

One scene, depicted in the film's preview, displays Ms. Tuohy (Leigh Ann, played by Bullock) speaking with an older woman who points out how much she is "changing" Oher's life. Leigh Ann's response is, "No, he's changing mine".

Thanks for reading...

Welcome!

That's right... We're adopting... and we're super excited! There is a long journey ahead of us - most likely with lots of challenges along the way - but we are excited about what the Lord is going to do throughout the process.

Our intention for this blog is to: 1) provide a way for family & friends to keep up with the adoption process; 2) to keep us occupied once we start "waiting" to be matched; and 3) to have some real "in the moment" commentary that we and our child can look back on in the future (we just found out that blogs can even be published into books once they're finished up!).

To start out, we thought we'd answer some frequently asked questions about our plans:

• Domestic or International? We will be adopting a baby from within the United States, making this a "domestic adoption".
  
• What organization or agency are you using? After a great deal of research and asking around, we've chosen to pursue adoption through Pact, An Adoption Alliance in Oakland. In partnership with Pact, Adopt International will conduct our home study.
• How old? Our child will most likely be a newborn and we will probably get to bring the child home from the hospital!
  
• What about gender and race? We have chosen to adopt a child of any gender, and any race. Pact specifically focuses on placing infants of color, so we will most likely be placed with a child from a race different than our own. Pact is GREAT at helping adoptive parents address issues pertaining to raising a child with a different racial, cultural and/or ethnic heritage.
• Open or closed? We have chosen to pursue an open adoption. This means: 1) Our child's birthparents will select us; 2) We will likely either speak with or meet the birthparents before the child is born; 3) We will exchange personal information with our child's birthparents; and 4) We will maintain relationship with them throughout our child's life, and encourage our child to learn about their biological roots. Research demonstrates open adoption is often the most beneficial for everyone involved in an adoption, especially the child.
  
• How long will it take? This is a difficult question to answer since we will be chosen by our child's birthparents, and we don't know when that will happen. However, Pact usually places within 6 to 12 months.
• Isn't adoption expensive? It can be! Thankfully, Pact allows us to put a "limit" on how much we are willing to spend, and we will only be presented to situations that cater to our spending preferences. Adoption costs within the United States can vary from anything from $1,500 (usually fost-adopt) to $50,000! One very important piece of the puzzle is that adoptive parents can claim up to $13,000 in tax credits during the year the adoption is finalized. Because of this tax credit, we are able to adopt. The adoption we are pursuing will most likely cost between $10,000 and $16,000 - leaving only a couple thousand after the credit. (Of course, pray this ends up on the lower end!)
  
• Where are we in the process as of today? We have officially become clients of Pact, and are currently finishing up paperwork to send to our home study agency. Since we are off to visit Cambodia on Nov. 1 for three weeks, we hope to get all of our paperwork in before we leave and then schedule our first home visits for when we return.
  

Hopefully this answers some of your questions.
We certainly appreciate your thoughts and prayers throughout the process!