Home study, take 2

Just came upstairs from finishing our first home study visit for adoption number two.

It's funny how things are so different the second time around. So much less intimidating. It brings me back to our first home study experience two years ago.

Here's a glimpse if you missed it:

Genilson chuckled at me as I paced the house about 30 minutes before our social worker arrived - setting the tea out, changing my hair, asking him to change his shirt (ok, perhaps he didn't chuckle at that one)... cleaning the toilet... and then low and behold, our social worker arrives. I offer tea, coffee, muffins?... and she politely declines saying it's sweet, but not necessary. Two hours go by, and she doesn't use the bathroom either (Did I really think she'd be impressed by my super clean sink and extra hand towels anyway?). (Blessed to Adopt, 26 Nov. 2009)

Ha. Clearly, we had no idea what to expect. I distinctly remember taking up almost the entire day preparing for that first visit. As excited and anxious first time parents, the adoption and home study process consumed us.

This time around is a bit different. Obviously we now have Ezra, and we are in Cambodia living in a different house. We may have a different social worker, but we know that the home study process is not about appearances or how perfectly clean your house is. With our agency it's been much more about working together to assess our preparedness to care for a new child in our home than about a "test" to see whether we are "fit" for parenthood. How do you feel about the adoption? What are your hopes and dreams for the future? How has parenting differed from what you originally expected? What kind of life do you imagine for your family 5, 10 years from now?

Many people have told me that "having a baby" the second time around is different than the first time. Initially, I'm not sure I understood what people meant. Why would it be different? It doesn't seem fair that parents should be more excited about their first child than their second child. But even through my very early experiences of preparing for our second adoption, I am beginning to see what people mean.

As first time parents we were dreamers. We "themed" and prepared the nursery months ahead of time. I spent hours researching baby gear online and reading What to Expect type blogs and books. I may not have been physically pregnant, but I definitely "nested" and was obsessed with preparing our home as best I could.

This time I have barely thought about the baby's room, much less the baby gear or baby clothes. First of all, with a toddler in the house I'm not sure when I would have the time to do that. I see now that this doesn't mean I don't "care" as much about our second child, it's just a different stage of life.

Before we had Ezra I didn't fully know what to expect or what I would need, so my way of getting ready was to prepare myself with material knowledge - baby books, trends, baby gear, nursery theme, etc. (and there's nothing wrong with that - it was all I knew to do). Through my initial parenting experience, however, I have come to realize that while the book knowledge and gear may be helpful (and fun), when your baby comes it all kind of blurs into the background. Not just because you're sleep deprived and exhausted, but also because you realize it's the baby that you were waiting for, and not necessarily the stuff.

When I look at pictures of Ezra as a small newborn I can't believe how quickly this stage of his life went by. As a new mom I was always thinking about the next stage without truly appreciating the current one. So I'd like to think that even though our second baby may not get the same amount of preliminary nesting and anticipation, what they will get is a mother who is seeking to savor and appreciate each day, each week, each month of their early life.

I look forward to continuing the journey.

 

It's that time again.

It's that time again. Starting paperwork for adoption #2. More details to come.

1 Year Ago Today

One year ago today we woke up with a great deal of anticipation. Anticipation about what the day would bring... what the week would bring... how our lives were about to change.

One year ago today we went to the hospital, dressed our newborn baby boy, gave a long embrace to M {holding back the tears until my complete breakdown in the car} and brought him to his new home. It was a special day I want to preserve forever. In retrospect, I see now that I was in "auto" mode that day... so overwhelmed at the emotion, so afraid that something was going to go wrong, and just the newness of it all that I just walked through the motions, unable to fully grasp what was happening.

Everyone tells you to appreciate the moment... that your children are going to grow up so fast. I'm not sure I truly understood what that meant until now (though perhaps I will continue to learn that as I get older). I can't believe it's been a year. Ezra is walking, learning to talk, and developing his own little personality. It's like a push and pull between not wanting him to grow up but also looking forward to seeing who he becomes.

Even with all the waiting, the process and the anticipation, I'm not sure I really could have anticipated the joy that has been Ezra. Nor do I think I anticipated all the work that parenthood really is (all worth it of course). Adoption, parenthood... it's such an education journey... and on so many levels. It's humbling to think of all that Genilson and I have learned since we started the process 21 months ago... about ourselves, about family, about our relationship. And it's even more humbling to think of all the learning that's still to come.

Happy Birthday Ezra. You are a gift.

3 months

Here is our handsome little Ezra at 3 months.



Since placement we have had two post-placement visits with our dear social worker, R (same one who did our home study, which has been great), and we hope to finalize early next year. In the meantime, Ezra continues to grow (and grow and grow), and we love him more dearly every single day.

I promise {to you and to myself} that one day I will have time to blog again. x

Mommy-hood

Being a new Mommy is exciting, wonderful, and emotionally overwhelming all at the same time. Each day I groggily wake up, make my way to the living room (hubby has early morning duty thanks to early World Cup games... thank you FIFA) and I can't believe it - we have a son, a beautiful son. We are a new family. It's real. It's happening. The wait is over. Baby Ezra is home, and we love him.

Ezra is thriving. He's a strong boy. At 2.5 weeks he can already lift his head, hold it up, and move it from side to side. He has gained a pound since birth, and eats around the clock. Small signs of a personality are already beginning to show as well - he's very expressive and pretty relaxed, but is also determined and knows what he wants.

The more I fall in love with Ezra, the more I know our experience with M at the hospital is something I will never forget. I think about it often. I just can't imagine what it would have been like had we chosen anything other than an open adoption, or had we not had the opportunity to spend such a meaningful time with Ezra and his birth family during such a crucial moment. Our time at the hospital could not have gone smoother, and we are just so grateful to have had such a positive experience. We certainly hope that the depth of those moments together (many captured on film of course) will be evident to Ezra when he looks back in years to come.

Spending time with M was a curious experience - one that I couldn't have really imagined or understood until it happened. I immediately loved her - not just because she chose us to parent Ezra or because she was trusting us with her son; but also because of her own love for Ezra, her strength, courage and determined spirit. We talked, we learned about each other, and we named our baby boy together.

My love and respect deepened for M even further when it was time to leave the hospital and take Ezra home. It's one of those feelings that perhaps needs its own name since it's so difficult to explain and no other words would do it justice.. I was so excited that we were finally taking Ezra home, and yet my heart ached for the separation that was about to take place. M was confident and gracious. She carried Ezra out of the hospital, helped me buckle him into his car seat, and they said their good-byes. We hugged and told her we'd call when we got home. Then I climbed into the drivers seat, turned on the engine and just cried.

(Thankfully, once we left the hospital parking lot we decided to pull over at a Starbucks where I could gather myself a bit before the 2 hour drive home).

Becoming a mother through adoption has allowed me to gain many insights I don't believe I would have gained any other way. Each day with Ezra is a new blessing, brings about new challenges, and allows me to learn more about myself, God, and the world in which we live. I guess that is what mommy-hood is all about. x

My hubby caught this moment of us during our afternoon nap last week (and yes, we are really sleeping).

Great Day

Today at the hospital was great. We spent about 4 hours with M and Baby boy... both are very sweet and we are so pleased with how everything went.

Paperwork, relinquishment, etc. are scheduled to happen tomorrow in the early afternoon... If all goes well, our new family of three will be home tomorrow evening! Parenthood is just around the corner...

Thanks for all of the prayer and support!!! We appreciate all of the encouragement. x

Situation Update

So here's the latest. We're in a match (yay!). Baby boy was born here in Northern California on Sunday. We got "the call" from Pact yesterday evening and have since talked to birth mom on the phone. Mom (who I will call "M") and Baby are both doing well - healthy, resting, no complications. We're heading out of town and over to the hospital to spend some time with them this afternoon. They are expected to check out of the hospital Wednesday morning, and relinquishment will likely happen around that time as well.

SO... Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Nothing is final until after relinquishment and then finalization, so there are still some significant steps before this actually happens, and we of course want M to feel assured in her decision.

As you can imagine, we are a bit overwhelmed and anxious, but also SUPER excited.

Pray that everything goes well today with M - that we feel comfortable with one another, don't let our nerves overcome us, and that we are able to develop a relationship based on trust and understanding, which will be really important as Baby gets older.

I'll continue to give updates as we know more.

P.S. Several of you have left comments and somehow I've managed to delete them - I'm in a bit of a fog I guess, and didn't realize what I did until it was too late! If you can, leave them again! We love comments and would love encouragement! x

AdopTalk

Last Saturday we got up early, hopped in the car, picked up my mom and were off to Oakland for another Pact seminar... this one called "AdopTalk"... focused on talking through and helping your child(ren) process their adoption experience, preparing for questions they have about their adoption, helping them develop a positive sense of self as an adopted person, and basically just hashing through parental concerns about "saying the right thing" (if such a thing exists).

As always, Pact was great. The seminar was helpful, thought provoking, and allowed us the opportunity to understand the experiences of adoptive families already in progress. It had been a while since our last seminar, so it was also a good way to reconnect with Pact and feel reassured our adoption will indeed happen... we just have to continue practicing patience. Bringing my mom along was an extra blessing because it gave her the opportunity to meet Beth, become more familiar with Pact, and perhaps get some of her own questions answered too.

On the "waiting" front... After much careful and prayerful consideration, Genilson and I have decided to get our family profile out there a bit more and extend our adoptive circle to include an organization called Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC). This means that we will continue to work with Pact and will work with CAC at the same time (working with more than organization is actually more common in adoption than you might think).

We really think this extension will not only help get us "out there" a bit more, but actually allows us the best of both worlds as we process all that's happening.

Tracie at CAC is proving to be very committed to helping us through the adoption process as smoothly as possible, according to budget (which is of course, a must) and has lots of contacts within the Christian community of adoption, which we haven't had as much access to up to this point. So far, we have been very impressed.

As everyone knows (since I talk about it all the time), Pact is fantastic and has been a tremendous help to us in adoption education, networking, and we know they will continue to be of immeasurable help as we continue through the adoption process, through placement, and even thereafter (they are a great continued support to their adoptive families even post-placement). Pact has an extensive network with the general adoption community, especially those who have developed solid reputations over a long history of interaction with them, are committed to best practices, and supporting all members of the adoption triad.

Both organizations fit us in different ways, both organizations are committed to us, and both organizations feel they can help us as we continue to pursue our adoption plan. Who could want more?

In the meantime, we will continue to wait ...with God's help and as patiently as possible. x

Bill of Rights

Many may know me as a bit of a human rights "enthusiast" due to my involvement in the anti human trafficking movement. While I'm not sure about such a title, I do think it's always important to consider the fundamental rights of every person... and this certainly applies to adoption, and perhaps especially the adopted child.

As I've mentioned before, it's very important to consider the child's best interest when thinking about and considering any kind of adoption. Thanks to Pact for this great resource entitled, "A Transracially-Adopted Child's Rights".

• Every child is entitled to love and full membership in her family.
• Every child is entitled to have his culture embraced and valued.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that this is a race conscious society.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that she will experience life differently than they do.
• Every child is entitled to parents who are not looking to "save" him or to improve the world.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that transracial adoption changes the family forever.
• Every child is entitled to be accepted by extended family members.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that, if they are white, they benefit from racism.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that they can't transmit the child's birth culture if it is not their own.
• Every child is entitled to have items at home that are made for and by people of his race.
• Every child is entitled to daily opportunities of positive experiences with his birth culture.
• Every child is entitled to build racial pride within his own home, school and neighborhood.
• Every child is entitled to have many opportunities to connect with adults of the child's race.
• Every child is entitled to parents who accept, understand and empathize with her culture.
• Every child is entitled to learn survival, problem-solving, and coping skills in a context of racial pride.
• Every child is entitled to take pride in the development of a dual identity and a multicultural/multiracial perspective on life.
• Every child is entitled to find his multiculturalism to be an asset and to conclude, "I've got the best of both worlds."

Many of these may seem "obvious" to some - but I guarantee they are not "obvious" to all, especially in practice and in everyday life.

As far as our being matched for adoption, no news yet. Please keep praying for a match soon. x

Still Waiting

Waiting, waiting. I look at my little Lilypie ticker on the right of the page, and it states so far we've been on our adoption journey for exactly 5 mos, 1 wk and 4 days... officially "waiting" for 1 month and 3 weeks.

1 month and 3 weeks... somehow, it seems like each day has moved really slowly, while at the same time all together quickly... it doesn't make logical sense, but somehow it's true. Some days it feels like I'm going absolutely crazy with anticipation (not to mention impatience), and other days it doesn't seem "so bad" - though the moment I start thinking about it, fears about it "never" happening begin to creep in and I have to push them away and keep moving. The 3-6 months "average" time frame presented at the beginning of the adoption process doesn't seem so bad until you're actually living it.

Working on our owl inspired nursery every now and then has been one way of keeping myself occupied and hopeful outside of work. Mom and I have gone on a couple trips to local fabric/craft shops to seek out owl fabrics and fun patterns for some homemade projects (boppy pillow cover, shopping cart cover, diaper caddy to name a few...). Of course, I also have my eye on a couple super cute things on Etsy.

In the meantime we continue to wait as patiently as we can with hopes that we will have something more to report soon! x

Dollars + Cents

It's the question lots want to ask but perhaps it's just too nosy or awkward. "Exactly how much does adoption cost?"... and quite possibly, "How are you guys affording this?" It's no secret that Genilson and I are not incredibly wealthy. Doing ministry or working for a small non-profit isn't exactly something you do for the money.

The expenses of adoption are complicated. It's illegal to buy a human being for any reason (she says, the director of an anti-human trafficking organization), including for adoption. At the same time, however, there are expenses that go along with what's involved in the adoption process: the home study, criminal background checks, adoption education, travel, legal fees, facilitation services, administrative expenses, health care expenses (for the baby and birth mother), and the list goes on and on... not to mention that once your baby arrives you have the same expenses any new parents would have!

The numbers vary according to who you ask, but adoption expenses in the United States vary from $0 (Fost-Adopt) to $20,000 (average for private agency adoption), to over $40,000 (usually independent adoption). For the breakdown of one survey, look here.

When deciding on what adoption agency we were going to work with, the expenses were confusing. Some agencies charged over $20,000 for their services alone (not including travel, legal, etc.) while others charged under $10,000.

Our choice to go with Pact had to do with several factors, but one major determining factor was its sliding fee scale, based on the adoptive parents' income. We knew we wanted an agency that approached the financial issue with integrity, and with the guarantee that money was not their motive for arranging adoptions, the sole determining factor in "how fast" a baby would come, or the "kind" of baby we were going to get (yes, that happens).

The good news about adoption expenses is the IRS offers an adoption tax credit of up to about $12,500. Frankly, without this credit, I'm not sure we could afford any of this. There are also several adoption grants, usually based on need, that adoptive parents can apply for if they need additional financial assistance. We decided to apply for three grants that seemed promising for our particular situation.

So... in conclusion, yes, adoption is pretty pricey. Our adoption will probably be between $13,000 and $18,000. But there's hope, it's doable, and we believe it all to be worth it. x

True Colors

Saturday we took a trip over to Oakland for a Pact workshop on transracial adoption called 'True Colors'. In addition to being a great placement organization, Pact is dedicated and committed to quality adoption education with all members of the adoption triad (child, birth family, adoptive parents), regardless of whether they are using their placement services.

We highly respect Pact for their commitment to ethics and adoption education, and it was a primary reason we decided to work with them.

True Colors... what's that? Transracial adoption (meaning adopting a child who is of a different race than your own) requires additional sensitivity and parenting skills. An adopted child of color will naturally face challenges related to their race that parents of a different race have never experienced (for example, I will never know entirely what it is like to grow up as an African American because it is not something I can experience).

Is this really an issue? Does race really matter? Yes. Many of us, especially those who belong to the majority, were raised to treat race as if it was invisible. Just don't talk about it, and it won't matter. Treat everyone the same, and race will no longer be an issue. While this may sound like the ideal (after all, we know skin color is not related to a person's true character), it unfortunately has not worked. We continue to live in a racist society, and children need to be prepared to handle discrimination when it happens. We can't deny the fact our children will face racism somewhere. We certainly don't want our children to internalize racism as if it has something to do with them. Therefore, it needs to be talked about. For more on this, see my post from 3 Dec 2009.

The seminar was great. Lots was discussed. Lots was shared. Two adult transracial adoptees of color shared their personal experiences and gave insight on what it felt like to be raised by white families where they were the racial outsider. Both were raised during a time when adoptive parents were not told they should address issues of race, and in fact, both adoptees said their parents continue to be reluctant to talk about such issues even today.

Both experienced severe racism growing up, but felt they had no one to talk to about it. Both struggled with fitting in. Both experienced a time during which they wished they were white. Both internalized their racism at a very young age. Both felt they had to deal with their insecurities on their own. Both continue to grapple with their experience even today.

Interestingly, just last week Genilson and I watched a documentary called Adopted directed by Barb Lee. I had been wanting to see it for ages, and it just recently became available on Netflix, so I added it to my queue, and it just happened to arrive days before this seminar. I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in the effects of international and transracial adoption, though I should warn it is equally (or perhaps more) depressing as it is hopeful.

Parallel to everything said by the adult adoptees at 'True Colors', Adopted's Jen Faro, a Korean adult adoptee, struggles intensely with the fact that her family refuses to discuss her "Korean-ness" and cannot understand why their 32 year old daughter never felt bonded to them, or why she is making such a 'fuss' over her race. Faro's journey is paralleled with another couple's excitement and joy as they travel and pick up their new daughter in China. The journeys of both are a dichotomy between overwhelming anticipation and overpowering regret.

Perhaps the most cutting comment made by Faro (at least for me) was her statement that "families adopt, but adoptees adapt". Faro continuously felt she had to adapt to what her family wanted of her rather than just being herself. She felt her family pretended, needed and wanted her to be white, so she did all she could to reject her Korean-ness and be as "white" as she could. She felt she couldn't talk about her Korean heritage, or even the fact the she was adopted, because it would hurt her family's feelings, and come across as ungrateful. Growing up, she chose to ignore her true feelings, and learned to adapt. As an adult, Faro attempts to reach out and speak with family about this reality. Unfortunately, her family members are confused and can't understand what their daughter is even talking about.

If anything, the film and True Colors definitely bring the "why" of so much adoption education to the forefront. We certainly want to built an attachment relationship with our child, and do not want our child to grow up in resentment of the fact that we cannot acknowledge their racial identity.

It is a blessing to know we are working with an organization as committed to education as Pact, and adopting during a time when these challenges are being openly talked about. x

Romans 8:25

The waiting room of adoption consists of a lot less "doing" and a lot more faith. Faith in adoption professionals. Faith in the system. And of course, faith in God's goodness and perfect timing.

Faith can be difficult, even for the most seasoned of believers. I know it is for me. Many of us are just so control-obsessed. We want to control, or at least pretend to control, practically everything in our lives. Relinquishing control and having to depend on faith alone often makes us antsy and uncomfortable. Of course, the two of us have had to maintain faith in God in other areas of our lives - in our marriage, at work, for financial support, for ministry direction, etc. But this is a different area of our lives, and we know it's only the beginning of the patience and faith we will have to learn as parents.

Since officially entering the waiting room - only 10 days ago - I feel we've been walking around in a kind of a daze. We certainly have lots of responsibilities, lots to do. Work, house projects, errands, bills to pay. We have friends, family. But regardless of what my hands are doing, what my brain is thinking, or what my lips are saying, at least 10% of my mind (maybe more) is aware of the fact that our lives are about to change, causing me to wonder when it's all going to happen, where our baby is at that very moment, and whether anyone is currently considering us as parents for their child.

It's difficult. It's difficult because I want things to happen now. I want to know. I want to open my heart and believe that all of this is actually going to happen. I want parenthood to stop being a romantic dream, and for it to become reality in front of my very eyes.

But this isn't where the difficulty ends. It only complicates more when I realize that I need, I want to allow God to maintain control over this situation - not me. I don't know best. God knows better. I don't just want any baby, I want to be chosen by birth parents whose baby is a right match for us. And because God knows this baby intimately already, I want to trust His timing more than my own.

So there it is. The difficult balance of waiting and faith. It's overwhelming, it's exhausting, it's challenging. It's only the beginning. But it's part of the ride, and we know it's worth it. x

The Waiting Room

Well, the wait is here... officially (though I guess we've been "waiting" in some capacity all along).

This morning we had our final "preliminary chat" with Beth over at Pact... basically the last conversation before the official "wait" was to begin.

It was exciting and intimidating all at the same time when the call was coming to a close and Beth told us we are now officially "out there" ... waiting for a potential match. The wait could be a day, a month, or several months, maybe even a year. Regardless of how long, we are officially "waiting"... waiting to be found... waiting for the "call"... waiting to be matched... waiting to be parents... and bringing our baby home is just around the corner.

So how does it all work? Our profile (see last post), which has been translated into English and Spanish, has been sent over to Pact who will present it to expectant parents looking into adoption. When expectant parents choose us as their first choice, Pact will give us a call, present information on the birth family, and give us some time to think it over. If we feel it's a good match for us, Pact will help us connect with the expectant parents (whether by phone, or with a visit if they are close by, etc.). Sometimes, we might get a call about a baby that is due within 24 hours, or has already been born.

From there, the process could follow several different journeys depending on the particular situation of the birth parents, their location, and how far along they are in their pregnancy. So more on that when it actually happens.

It's all very exciting. It's one step closer... a very significant step closer. We are thrilled, nervous and overwhelmed all at the same time. The waiting period could very well last a long time (or at least what feels to be a very long time), so it's a challenge to balance being excited with knowing we will need to have patience... but it's a challenge we're excited to be facing. Keep us in your prayers as we wait!

Yay!
Thanks for following.

Profile... Step 2

Here's a taste of our profile (or "Dear Birthmother letter") in all it's glory. We've finally put on the final touches, have received all our feedback from Pact, and the next step is sending it to print.










{BTW, I realize these screenshots are unreadable, I've done that for privacy's sake. Just wanted everyone to get the general "feel" for what it looks like}

Next week we will sit down with Pact one last time before they begin sending our profile to potential birth parents. The "wait" is almost here...

Thanks for following.

3 Home Study Visits... Check

That's right! Monday evening was our third and final home study visit with our social worker, R. Our visits have been really great. We've enjoyed getting to know R and telling her about our "story" (after all, who doesn't enjoy talking about themselves?), and it's also been a good opportunity to think about and discuss some of the "tough" questions (such as whether we are "open" to a baby that was exposed to drugs or alcohol during the mother's pregnancy, and what kind of "parenting techniques" we are planning on using, etc).

I have to say the entire process has been rather enlightening, and not at all what I had expected. I originally thought the visits would be somewhat awkward and stressful, especially the "walk through" inspection of the house. I also thought we would constantly feel we were "on display" having to almost "convince" the agency that we were "fit" to be parents. But it wasn't like that at all. Instead, it was just like telling a new friend a bit about where growing up, our marriage, hopes and dreams, and whatever else happened to come up. If anything, it felt like therapy - in a good way, like processing where you come from and why you are the way you are. The "walk through" is really just to check that your home is safe, not perfect. The only difference is really that there is a report (not as scary as it sounds) at the end that outlines our lives, and that the agency is in agreement that adoption is a good plan for us (also not as scary as it sounds).

So, anyway, all that to say, the process was great. We're only glad it's "over" in the sense that it means we are one step closer to baby. (!!)

With the visits now under our belts, R will work on putting together a home study report on all of the information she gathered during the visit. A draft will be sent to us to ensure all of the information is correct, we will sign and return it, and then a final copy will be sent to Pact (and eventually the state). I was expecting the whole home study process would take some time, but so far it's been actually going pretty quickly.

We're also working on getting our final draft together of the profile... hope to have some screenshots up over the next week or so.

Thanks for reading, and Merry Christmas!

A Profile of Us

We've been putting it off for a while... the very thought of having to write a small "profile" of ourselves (sometimes known as a "Dear Birthmother" letter) that will be shown to expectant parents who may consider us to be the parents of their baby is a BIT overwhelming. It's a balance between wanting to present yourself like the wonderful parent you know you're going to be, but also keeping in mind that you don't want to come across too "perfect" because after all, nobody's perfect, and you want to come across as "real" and down-to-earth as well. It's also difficult to know what aspects of your life the reader will be interested in - family, work, home, beliefs, parenting style (complicated, since we're not yet parents), and of course, in our situation there's always the need to explain our international lifestyle, and what this will mean for our children. Whew...

But we did it, and our rough draft has been sent off to Pact. Now we just wait for feedback, throw in some pictures, and that should be it (actually a bit more complicated since I know it will take us forever to decide which pictures we want to show).

So far, the process has seemed quick at times and slow at other times. I guess it kind of depends on our "mood" and attitude on that particular day. One day it's like "wow, I can't believe how fast this is going" and other days we just want our baby to be in our arms - especially since it's the holidays I think.

Overall though it does feel like the process is going relatively quickly. We've been pretty impressed with Pact and ADOPT. Just one home visit to go (and this one will have the official "inspection"), and a finalized profile and wa-lah we will start being presented to potential birth parents.

We're hoping this "wa-lah" moment will happen in early January... we'll see. :)

Thanks for reading and praying.

It's Getting Closer

Had our second of three home study visits last night... it's incredible to think about how fast the process is moving along! We did a bit better this time at being relaxed. I still cleaned the house, but just not as much as last time.

This visit was a big different than last time. Half of the visit was with Genilson, half of the visit was with me (Tania). We talked about our childhoods, growing up, families, etc. It was almost like therapy, but definitely in a good way. :)

R will give us a call early next week to schedule our third and final visit... looks like we'll probably be done with the study by the new year! This last visit will focus on our views of parenthood, discipline, and child rearing practices... something we obviously have no experience doing, so it should make for an interesting conversation. R is great - we really have enjoyed our visits with her.

In the meantime, we're going to be working on getting our "profile" together... kind of challenging considering we want to show expectant parents who we are in a matter of only a couple pages!!

Thanks for following along...

Building Culture Across Community

Wednesday was our first "Building Culture Across Community" (BCAC) meeting with Beth at Pact. These sessions are designed for adoptive couples who plan to (or are open to) adopting an infant of a race different from their own. Because Pact is focused on placing children of color, they have lots of experience working with transracial families ("transracial" = families with members of multiple races), so they are a great resource when it comes to knowing what to expect, and how to eventually help your child connect to their personal racial heritage. The meeting great! We really enjoyed ourselves.

Regardless of what many of us have been led to believe, race does matter. It certainly doesn't "matter" in the sense that we should love one race more than the other, see people only by the color of their skin, or make judgments about someone because they are "black" or "brown" - but it does matter in the sense that race is real, and shouldn't be ignored completely, as if skin color differences didn't exist, racism didn't exist, and/or as if we all didn't come from a specific racial and cultural heritage. Ignoring race doesn't make race or racism go away.

But isn't love "colorblind"? It certainly should be. However, this kind of stance by itself ignores the complex reality that institutionalized, societal and internalized racism are real issues that face people of color around the world. Not only do visible differences between parents and children increase challenges to their acceptance by society as a family unit, when adoptive parents raise child of a race different from their own, it's important they come prepared for the fact that their child is going to not only notice that their skin is a different color (probably at a very young age), but that their experience in life - as citizen of a stratified, deep-seeded racist society - is going to have challenges different from their own. This means that the development of a positive racial identity needs to be addressed, and parents must be prepared.

Here's what one transracial adoptee said: (taken from "Inside Transracial Adoption" by Beth Hall & Gail Steinberg)

"My parents believed that a loving family 'makes' the child. I disagree. Colorblindness is a luxury black children can't afford. Love does not prepare an African American child for the society we live in. And love does not replace the importance of knowing your ethnicity and culture. Today, I say I am African American" (page 31).

So what does all this mean in our situation? Thankfully, we have had a great deal of experience working with - and loving - diverse communities of people. We are very aware of the fact that racism still exists, and are going to prepare ourselves as much as possible to help our child strategize on ways to be resilient when faced with racist attitudes, etc. In addition, Pact has suggested we prepare by reaching out and building more relationships with people of color. Whether we begin visiting a local African American church, or start frequenting local Hispanic cultural events, etc. doing these things will provide opportunities to build relationships with people who can eventually serve as role models to our adopted child. Awkward? Perhaps. But Pact has assured us that usually, when approached with the right attitude, people tend to be honored and happy to help us learn more about their community.

Thanks for reading. :)

1 Down, 2 to Go

Just finished our first home study appointment.

"What's a home study again?"

All states require prospective adoptive parents to participate in a "home study" prior to being approved to adopt. The process has three objectives:
1) To help educate and prepare families wanting to adopt;
2) To gather information on the adoptive family that will help the social worker match the family with the right birth family and/or child;
3) To evaluate whether a family is "fit" to take care of a new child.

The last objective is perhaps the most intimidating... how can anyone decide whether you are "fit" to parent? What if...? I think we all know deep down whether or not we will be "fit" - or perhaps better phrased - good parents. "Good" parents certainly does not equate "perfect" parents. After all, who's perfect? Do perfect parents even exist? Rest assured, as soon as we started chatting with our social worker this evening, it was clear right away that we weren't expected to be perfect... just human, and prepared for the challenges of parenting.

Contrary to what many people assume, the home study process isn't entirely about doing a "home inspection" (think Friends when Monica is frantically cleaning the apartment before their their home study even more than she usually does... if that's even possible). While the final visit does include a sort of "inspection" to ensure that the house is safe and suitable for a growing child, it's actually more about building a solid relationship with an adoptive family so their social worker can make solid recommendations regarding whether they should be able to adopt a child, and what would make a good match.

I have to admit, however, that no matter how many times people told us this - that the house didn't need to be perfect, and that it's not about how clean the house is, but more about the interviews - I couldn't help but go a little bit out of my way this afternoon to clean the house a little more than usual, give the dog a bath... oh... and make pumpkin muffins (something I never do). Genilson chuckled at me as I paced the house about 30 minutes before our social worker arrived - setting the tea out, changing my hair, asking him to change his shirt (ok, perhaps he didn't chuckle at that one)... cleaning the toilet... and then low and behold, our social worker arrives, I offer tea, coffee, muffins?... and she politely declines saying it's sweet, but not necessary. Two hours go by, and she doesn't use the bathroom either (Did I really think she'd be impressed by my super clean sink and extra hand towels anyway?)...

Oh well... the meeting went smoothly, and that's what's important. :)

Thanks for reading.