1 Year Ago Today

One year ago today we woke up with a great deal of anticipation. Anticipation about what the day would bring... what the week would bring... how our lives were about to change.

One year ago today we went to the hospital, dressed our newborn baby boy, gave a long embrace to M {holding back the tears until my complete breakdown in the car} and brought him to his new home. It was a special day I want to preserve forever. In retrospect, I see now that I was in "auto" mode that day... so overwhelmed at the emotion, so afraid that something was going to go wrong, and just the newness of it all that I just walked through the motions, unable to fully grasp what was happening.

Everyone tells you to appreciate the moment... that your children are going to grow up so fast. I'm not sure I truly understood what that meant until now (though perhaps I will continue to learn that as I get older). I can't believe it's been a year. Ezra is walking, learning to talk, and developing his own little personality. It's like a push and pull between not wanting him to grow up but also looking forward to seeing who he becomes.

Even with all the waiting, the process and the anticipation, I'm not sure I really could have anticipated the joy that has been Ezra. Nor do I think I anticipated all the work that parenthood really is (all worth it of course). Adoption, parenthood... it's such an education journey... and on so many levels. It's humbling to think of all that Genilson and I have learned since we started the process 21 months ago... about ourselves, about family, about our relationship. And it's even more humbling to think of all the learning that's still to come.

Happy Birthday Ezra. You are a gift.

AdopTalk

Last Saturday we got up early, hopped in the car, picked up my mom and were off to Oakland for another Pact seminar... this one called "AdopTalk"... focused on talking through and helping your child(ren) process their adoption experience, preparing for questions they have about their adoption, helping them develop a positive sense of self as an adopted person, and basically just hashing through parental concerns about "saying the right thing" (if such a thing exists).

As always, Pact was great. The seminar was helpful, thought provoking, and allowed us the opportunity to understand the experiences of adoptive families already in progress. It had been a while since our last seminar, so it was also a good way to reconnect with Pact and feel reassured our adoption will indeed happen... we just have to continue practicing patience. Bringing my mom along was an extra blessing because it gave her the opportunity to meet Beth, become more familiar with Pact, and perhaps get some of her own questions answered too.

On the "waiting" front... After much careful and prayerful consideration, Genilson and I have decided to get our family profile out there a bit more and extend our adoptive circle to include an organization called Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC). This means that we will continue to work with Pact and will work with CAC at the same time (working with more than organization is actually more common in adoption than you might think).

We really think this extension will not only help get us "out there" a bit more, but actually allows us the best of both worlds as we process all that's happening.

Tracie at CAC is proving to be very committed to helping us through the adoption process as smoothly as possible, according to budget (which is of course, a must) and has lots of contacts within the Christian community of adoption, which we haven't had as much access to up to this point. So far, we have been very impressed.

As everyone knows (since I talk about it all the time), Pact is fantastic and has been a tremendous help to us in adoption education, networking, and we know they will continue to be of immeasurable help as we continue through the adoption process, through placement, and even thereafter (they are a great continued support to their adoptive families even post-placement). Pact has an extensive network with the general adoption community, especially those who have developed solid reputations over a long history of interaction with them, are committed to best practices, and supporting all members of the adoption triad.

Both organizations fit us in different ways, both organizations are committed to us, and both organizations feel they can help us as we continue to pursue our adoption plan. Who could want more?

In the meantime, we will continue to wait ...with God's help and as patiently as possible. x

Bill of Rights

Many may know me as a bit of a human rights "enthusiast" due to my involvement in the anti human trafficking movement. While I'm not sure about such a title, I do think it's always important to consider the fundamental rights of every person... and this certainly applies to adoption, and perhaps especially the adopted child.

As I've mentioned before, it's very important to consider the child's best interest when thinking about and considering any kind of adoption. Thanks to Pact for this great resource entitled, "A Transracially-Adopted Child's Rights".

• Every child is entitled to love and full membership in her family.
• Every child is entitled to have his culture embraced and valued.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that this is a race conscious society.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that she will experience life differently than they do.
• Every child is entitled to parents who are not looking to "save" him or to improve the world.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that transracial adoption changes the family forever.
• Every child is entitled to be accepted by extended family members.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that, if they are white, they benefit from racism.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that they can't transmit the child's birth culture if it is not their own.
• Every child is entitled to have items at home that are made for and by people of his race.
• Every child is entitled to daily opportunities of positive experiences with his birth culture.
• Every child is entitled to build racial pride within his own home, school and neighborhood.
• Every child is entitled to have many opportunities to connect with adults of the child's race.
• Every child is entitled to parents who accept, understand and empathize with her culture.
• Every child is entitled to learn survival, problem-solving, and coping skills in a context of racial pride.
• Every child is entitled to take pride in the development of a dual identity and a multicultural/multiracial perspective on life.
• Every child is entitled to find his multiculturalism to be an asset and to conclude, "I've got the best of both worlds."

Many of these may seem "obvious" to some - but I guarantee they are not "obvious" to all, especially in practice and in everyday life.

As far as our being matched for adoption, no news yet. Please keep praying for a match soon. x

Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

"White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack" was one of the most interesting articles I ran across about white privilege while working on my degree at WSU... McIntosh really gives good perspective on the white privilege many of us take for granted.

This is something Genilson and I will continuously need to keep in mind while raising a child of a race different from our own (in fact it happens to be one of the articles Pact first supplied us with when we began the transracial adoption process) ... it's also a good reminder to those who may believe that racism is "dead".

The author, who is a Caucasian American, opens with a statement I that could apply to many Americans of this generation. "I was taught to see racism only in individual acts of meanness, not in invisible systems conferring dominance in my group."

She goes on...
Whites are taught to think of their lives as morally neutral, normative, and average, and also ideal, so that when we work to benefit others, this is seen as work that will allow "them" to be more like "us"... As far as I can tell, my African American coworkers, friends, and acquaintances with whom I come into daily or frequent contact... cannot count on most of these conditions:

1. I can, if I wish, arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.
2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust me.
3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.
4. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.
5. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.
6. When told about our national heritage or "civilization," I am shown that people of own color made it what it is.
7. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them.
8. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.
9. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.
10. I can easily buy posters, post-cards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's magazines featuring people of my race.
11. I can choose public accommodation without fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chosen.
12. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.
    
13. I can use blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.
14. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem.
    
15. I feel welcomed and "normal" in the usual walks of public life, institutional and social.

{This is only part of the essay... The actual essay lists 50 conditions, whereas I've only listed 15. You can download the entire essay here}

As the future adoptive parent of a child of color this reality scares, overwhelms, and frustrates me. I believe we're going to get through it as a family, but it's going to be a challenge.

Should "white" people feel ashamed of their "whiteness" then? I don't think so. However, I do think it's important that we acknowledge racism as a reality throughout American society, and do what we can to change it, at the very least in our own attitudes.

A lot to think about. x

True Colors

Saturday we took a trip over to Oakland for a Pact workshop on transracial adoption called 'True Colors'. In addition to being a great placement organization, Pact is dedicated and committed to quality adoption education with all members of the adoption triad (child, birth family, adoptive parents), regardless of whether they are using their placement services.

We highly respect Pact for their commitment to ethics and adoption education, and it was a primary reason we decided to work with them.

True Colors... what's that? Transracial adoption (meaning adopting a child who is of a different race than your own) requires additional sensitivity and parenting skills. An adopted child of color will naturally face challenges related to their race that parents of a different race have never experienced (for example, I will never know entirely what it is like to grow up as an African American because it is not something I can experience).

Is this really an issue? Does race really matter? Yes. Many of us, especially those who belong to the majority, were raised to treat race as if it was invisible. Just don't talk about it, and it won't matter. Treat everyone the same, and race will no longer be an issue. While this may sound like the ideal (after all, we know skin color is not related to a person's true character), it unfortunately has not worked. We continue to live in a racist society, and children need to be prepared to handle discrimination when it happens. We can't deny the fact our children will face racism somewhere. We certainly don't want our children to internalize racism as if it has something to do with them. Therefore, it needs to be talked about. For more on this, see my post from 3 Dec 2009.

The seminar was great. Lots was discussed. Lots was shared. Two adult transracial adoptees of color shared their personal experiences and gave insight on what it felt like to be raised by white families where they were the racial outsider. Both were raised during a time when adoptive parents were not told they should address issues of race, and in fact, both adoptees said their parents continue to be reluctant to talk about such issues even today.

Both experienced severe racism growing up, but felt they had no one to talk to about it. Both struggled with fitting in. Both experienced a time during which they wished they were white. Both internalized their racism at a very young age. Both felt they had to deal with their insecurities on their own. Both continue to grapple with their experience even today.

Interestingly, just last week Genilson and I watched a documentary called Adopted directed by Barb Lee. I had been wanting to see it for ages, and it just recently became available on Netflix, so I added it to my queue, and it just happened to arrive days before this seminar. I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in the effects of international and transracial adoption, though I should warn it is equally (or perhaps more) depressing as it is hopeful.

Parallel to everything said by the adult adoptees at 'True Colors', Adopted's Jen Faro, a Korean adult adoptee, struggles intensely with the fact that her family refuses to discuss her "Korean-ness" and cannot understand why their 32 year old daughter never felt bonded to them, or why she is making such a 'fuss' over her race. Faro's journey is paralleled with another couple's excitement and joy as they travel and pick up their new daughter in China. The journeys of both are a dichotomy between overwhelming anticipation and overpowering regret.

Perhaps the most cutting comment made by Faro (at least for me) was her statement that "families adopt, but adoptees adapt". Faro continuously felt she had to adapt to what her family wanted of her rather than just being herself. She felt her family pretended, needed and wanted her to be white, so she did all she could to reject her Korean-ness and be as "white" as she could. She felt she couldn't talk about her Korean heritage, or even the fact the she was adopted, because it would hurt her family's feelings, and come across as ungrateful. Growing up, she chose to ignore her true feelings, and learned to adapt. As an adult, Faro attempts to reach out and speak with family about this reality. Unfortunately, her family members are confused and can't understand what their daughter is even talking about.

If anything, the film and True Colors definitely bring the "why" of so much adoption education to the forefront. We certainly want to built an attachment relationship with our child, and do not want our child to grow up in resentment of the fact that we cannot acknowledge their racial identity.

It is a blessing to know we are working with an organization as committed to education as Pact, and adopting during a time when these challenges are being openly talked about. x

What's in a Word??

Those who know me in the context of my work at Chab Dai, know my obsession with using appropriate language in reference to issues surrounding social justice, child protection, human trafficking, prostitution, etc. So, of course, when we started educating ourselves about adoption and I came across articles and information about "positive adoption language" I immediately caught on to why this kind of thing is important.

Many of us don't think about it much, but the way we speak is directly correlated to the way we see and understand the world. Words don't only give facts, they convey emotion. We associate ideas, feelings and opinions with certain words, sometimes regardless of their literal meaning.

When we use language that evokes stigmatization or historical negative connotation, even if we intend no harm, our words stigmatize and give negative meaning to whatever we're talking about. In turn, this only fuels our and others' prejudices and ignorance regarding certain topics.

There are several articles, resources, etc. that have been written about using "positive adoption language" or "respectful adoption language (RAL)", and the majority of them stick to a similar lexicon, though there are some differences. As expected, these lexicons are always in motion, with new perspectives always entering the scene and causing people to think more about negative connotations attached to adoption terms throughout history.

So here's some of the recommended terminology:


We certainly don't have it "all together" so we're still working on trying to use this language as best we can. The more people use it, the more it will catch on and become a regular part of everyone's vocabulary.

Intrigued? Here are some more resources:
Adoptive Families: Positive Adoption Language
Perspectives Press: Speaking Positively
Suite 101: Positive Adoption Language

Thanks for following!