Time to Wait

It's that time. The home study is done, the family profile complete. We're officially in the waiting room, waiting to be chosen by a birth family.

The last time around, the 'waiting room' was undoubtedly the most challenging part of the process. We were incredibly anxious. In fact, I distinctly remember the day our wait began. We hung up the phone with Pact and held our breath... maybe 'the call' would come right away?! The wait seemed like forever (in reality it was 6 months, which is actually pretty good). 

We are of course extremely excited about this second adoption, but the anticipation is a bit different this time around. Not sure if this is because we are focused on parenting Ezra (who can be quite the handful) as opposed to anticipating what parenting might be like; or perhaps because we know a bit more of what to expect. The 'call' could happen in a matter of weeks, but this is not something we really anticipate happening. Much more likely will be a wait of at least a couple of months. It could be a year or more.

Because Pact does not typically work with families living overseas, it will be interesting to see how birth families respond to the idea that we live in Cambodia. Some may see it as exotic, others may see it as weird.

As of this moment, I feel prepared to wait. But then again, let's see how I feel in a couple of months. I'll keep you posted.

Great Day

Today at the hospital was great. We spent about 4 hours with M and Baby boy... both are very sweet and we are so pleased with how everything went.

Paperwork, relinquishment, etc. are scheduled to happen tomorrow in the early afternoon... If all goes well, our new family of three will be home tomorrow evening! Parenthood is just around the corner...

Thanks for all of the prayer and support!!! We appreciate all of the encouragement. x

Situation Update

So here's the latest. We're in a match (yay!). Baby boy was born here in Northern California on Sunday. We got "the call" from Pact yesterday evening and have since talked to birth mom on the phone. Mom (who I will call "M") and Baby are both doing well - healthy, resting, no complications. We're heading out of town and over to the hospital to spend some time with them this afternoon. They are expected to check out of the hospital Wednesday morning, and relinquishment will likely happen around that time as well.

SO... Please continue to keep us in your prayers. Nothing is final until after relinquishment and then finalization, so there are still some significant steps before this actually happens, and we of course want M to feel assured in her decision.

As you can imagine, we are a bit overwhelmed and anxious, but also SUPER excited.

Pray that everything goes well today with M - that we feel comfortable with one another, don't let our nerves overcome us, and that we are able to develop a relationship based on trust and understanding, which will be really important as Baby gets older.

I'll continue to give updates as we know more.

P.S. Several of you have left comments and somehow I've managed to delete them - I'm in a bit of a fog I guess, and didn't realize what I did until it was too late! If you can, leave them again! We love comments and would love encouragement! x

Possible Match

Possible match situation. Keep us in your prayers. I'll give an update as soon as I can.

AdopTalk

Last Saturday we got up early, hopped in the car, picked up my mom and were off to Oakland for another Pact seminar... this one called "AdopTalk"... focused on talking through and helping your child(ren) process their adoption experience, preparing for questions they have about their adoption, helping them develop a positive sense of self as an adopted person, and basically just hashing through parental concerns about "saying the right thing" (if such a thing exists).

As always, Pact was great. The seminar was helpful, thought provoking, and allowed us the opportunity to understand the experiences of adoptive families already in progress. It had been a while since our last seminar, so it was also a good way to reconnect with Pact and feel reassured our adoption will indeed happen... we just have to continue practicing patience. Bringing my mom along was an extra blessing because it gave her the opportunity to meet Beth, become more familiar with Pact, and perhaps get some of her own questions answered too.

On the "waiting" front... After much careful and prayerful consideration, Genilson and I have decided to get our family profile out there a bit more and extend our adoptive circle to include an organization called Christian Adoption Consultants (CAC). This means that we will continue to work with Pact and will work with CAC at the same time (working with more than organization is actually more common in adoption than you might think).

We really think this extension will not only help get us "out there" a bit more, but actually allows us the best of both worlds as we process all that's happening.

Tracie at CAC is proving to be very committed to helping us through the adoption process as smoothly as possible, according to budget (which is of course, a must) and has lots of contacts within the Christian community of adoption, which we haven't had as much access to up to this point. So far, we have been very impressed.

As everyone knows (since I talk about it all the time), Pact is fantastic and has been a tremendous help to us in adoption education, networking, and we know they will continue to be of immeasurable help as we continue through the adoption process, through placement, and even thereafter (they are a great continued support to their adoptive families even post-placement). Pact has an extensive network with the general adoption community, especially those who have developed solid reputations over a long history of interaction with them, are committed to best practices, and supporting all members of the adoption triad.

Both organizations fit us in different ways, both organizations are committed to us, and both organizations feel they can help us as we continue to pursue our adoption plan. Who could want more?

In the meantime, we will continue to wait ...with God's help and as patiently as possible. x

Babies

As Production Not Reproduction (another adoption blogger I follow) wisely put, the way we usually celebrate Mothers Day (and Fathers Day, Valentines Day, for that matter) distinctly divides people into two categories - either you're an insider, or you're an outsider. You're a mother (father/valentine), or you're not a mother (father/valentine). If you aren't necessarily desiring to be an insider, this may not be a big deal. If you are, it's a whole different story. Personally, as someone who is currently "in-between" (though sometimes feeling inadequately in-between since I don't have the "belly" to prove it) - not quite a mother yet, but hoping and praying to be one very soon - I wasn't sure what feelings and emotions to anticipate as Mothers Day came closer.

I decided early on that I didn't want to sulk. This was much easier said than done of course - Genilson and I did have several melancholy moments on our way to a Mothers Day lunch, asking God why it hasn't happened for us yet (why? oh why?) - but I knew and was determined that I did not want to be miserable all day. I wanted to celebrate motherhood, not feel depressed about it... after all, motherhood is what I've been yearning for throughout this entire process, not something I want to feel awful about.

As I contemplated what to get my own mother and grandmother for Mothers Day this year, I extended my decision not to be gloomy by making another decision. I knew the documentary film Babies was coming out Mothers Day weekend, I knew I wanted to see it, and I figured since my mom and grandma were perhaps the best people to see it with... why not see it on Mothers Day? Yes, of course I questioned whether watching a film about babies would just make me more depressed on an already difficult day. But I decided I wouldn't let it. Instead of watching the film through the perspective that motherhood is something I don't currently have, I decided to see it from the outlook that motherhood is a blessing still to come.

I'm so thankful I did. I got to spend the afternoon enjoying and laughing at the sweetness, simplicity and hilarity that is babies with the two mothers who had a direct hand in my own upbringing. Babies is beautifully done; it celebrates motherhood in ways that no other film could, and though I maybe walked away wanting to join the community of motherhood even more than I did before (not sure that's possible, but maybe), I'm glad I chose to celebrate the beauty and mystery of motherhood on such an appropriate day to do so. x

{For those of you who haven't heard about it, Babies is a new documentary by French filmmaker Thomas Balmès who simultaneously follows four babies around the world - Namibia, Mongolia, Japan, US - starting at birth up until their first steps. It shows us that while cultures have distinctly different ways of caring for their children, "babyhood" still looks strikingly similar no matter where or who you are. Highly recommended.}

{trailer}

{120}

One hundred twenty days since we started to wait... sometimes it feels "the call" will never come, other days I tell myself it hasn't been that long. Waiting is one of those things that's all relative, but it's difficult no matter what... no matter how "short" or how "long"... it doesn't matter because when patience is required, an hour can seem just as long as a week, month, year.

It's tempting at times to want to "jump in" and "do something about it" - as if I could just do some Google searches, make some calls, gain control of the situation and "make" something happen. Sign on with more agencies? Pay more agencies to search? Pay higher fees? (As if we have more money to spend... ha). But deep down I know throwing money at it won't give me anymore control anyway. How can it? This isn't a "thing" we can (or should) just "pay for". That's not what we want. We are confident we are with the right agency. We are confident God knows what he is doing. {We just need to wait, trust God, and accept it's out of our control.}

I've scoured the Internet, chat groups, adoption sites, etc. seeking "answers" on how to wait... how to manage my impatience... how not to lose hope. Unfortunately, there aren't really any secret answers out there - only what I already know in my gut. {We just have to wait, trust God, and accept it's out of our control.}

Sometimes I read other adoption blogs. I like to gain perspective by reading posts before and then after an adoptive family is matched. The before post usually goes a lot like this one: patience is difficult, and "when is it ever going to happen??!?" But then there's the after post... when a child joins their new forever family... and it's clear all the waiting was totally, 100% worth it.

One day... hopefully one day soon, I hope to look back at this post, smile, and truly understand how much all this waiting was worth it. It's difficult to imagine today, but it will happen. {We just need to wait, trust God and accept it's out of our control.} x

April Showers

Some very generous ladies from Sunrise (church) blessed us last Saturday with a lovely baby shower in preparation for our little one (no, no word yet... still waiting). Some snapshots...








{a good friend's little one... our youngest guest}



Such nice gifts (lots of yellow + green!)... hopefully baby will come along soon. x

Bill of Rights

Many may know me as a bit of a human rights "enthusiast" due to my involvement in the anti human trafficking movement. While I'm not sure about such a title, I do think it's always important to consider the fundamental rights of every person... and this certainly applies to adoption, and perhaps especially the adopted child.

As I've mentioned before, it's very important to consider the child's best interest when thinking about and considering any kind of adoption. Thanks to Pact for this great resource entitled, "A Transracially-Adopted Child's Rights".

• Every child is entitled to love and full membership in her family.
• Every child is entitled to have his culture embraced and valued.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that this is a race conscious society.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that she will experience life differently than they do.
• Every child is entitled to parents who are not looking to "save" him or to improve the world.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that transracial adoption changes the family forever.
• Every child is entitled to be accepted by extended family members.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that, if they are white, they benefit from racism.
• Every child is entitled to parents who know that they can't transmit the child's birth culture if it is not their own.
• Every child is entitled to have items at home that are made for and by people of his race.
• Every child is entitled to daily opportunities of positive experiences with his birth culture.
• Every child is entitled to build racial pride within his own home, school and neighborhood.
• Every child is entitled to have many opportunities to connect with adults of the child's race.
• Every child is entitled to parents who accept, understand and empathize with her culture.
• Every child is entitled to learn survival, problem-solving, and coping skills in a context of racial pride.
• Every child is entitled to take pride in the development of a dual identity and a multicultural/multiracial perspective on life.
• Every child is entitled to find his multiculturalism to be an asset and to conclude, "I've got the best of both worlds."

Many of these may seem "obvious" to some - but I guarantee they are not "obvious" to all, especially in practice and in everyday life.

As far as our being matched for adoption, no news yet. Please keep praying for a match soon. x

Still Waiting

Waiting, waiting. I look at my little Lilypie ticker on the right of the page, and it states so far we've been on our adoption journey for exactly 5 mos, 1 wk and 4 days... officially "waiting" for 1 month and 3 weeks.

1 month and 3 weeks... somehow, it seems like each day has moved really slowly, while at the same time all together quickly... it doesn't make logical sense, but somehow it's true. Some days it feels like I'm going absolutely crazy with anticipation (not to mention impatience), and other days it doesn't seem "so bad" - though the moment I start thinking about it, fears about it "never" happening begin to creep in and I have to push them away and keep moving. The 3-6 months "average" time frame presented at the beginning of the adoption process doesn't seem so bad until you're actually living it.

Working on our owl inspired nursery every now and then has been one way of keeping myself occupied and hopeful outside of work. Mom and I have gone on a couple trips to local fabric/craft shops to seek out owl fabrics and fun patterns for some homemade projects (boppy pillow cover, shopping cart cover, diaper caddy to name a few...). Of course, I also have my eye on a couple super cute things on Etsy.

In the meantime we continue to wait as patiently as we can with hopes that we will have something more to report soon! x

Dollars + Cents

It's the question lots want to ask but perhaps it's just too nosy or awkward. "Exactly how much does adoption cost?"... and quite possibly, "How are you guys affording this?" It's no secret that Genilson and I are not incredibly wealthy. Doing ministry or working for a small non-profit isn't exactly something you do for the money.

The expenses of adoption are complicated. It's illegal to buy a human being for any reason (she says, the director of an anti-human trafficking organization), including for adoption. At the same time, however, there are expenses that go along with what's involved in the adoption process: the home study, criminal background checks, adoption education, travel, legal fees, facilitation services, administrative expenses, health care expenses (for the baby and birth mother), and the list goes on and on... not to mention that once your baby arrives you have the same expenses any new parents would have!

The numbers vary according to who you ask, but adoption expenses in the United States vary from $0 (Fost-Adopt) to $20,000 (average for private agency adoption), to over $40,000 (usually independent adoption). For the breakdown of one survey, look here.

When deciding on what adoption agency we were going to work with, the expenses were confusing. Some agencies charged over $20,000 for their services alone (not including travel, legal, etc.) while others charged under $10,000.

Our choice to go with Pact had to do with several factors, but one major determining factor was its sliding fee scale, based on the adoptive parents' income. We knew we wanted an agency that approached the financial issue with integrity, and with the guarantee that money was not their motive for arranging adoptions, the sole determining factor in "how fast" a baby would come, or the "kind" of baby we were going to get (yes, that happens).

The good news about adoption expenses is the IRS offers an adoption tax credit of up to about $12,500. Frankly, without this credit, I'm not sure we could afford any of this. There are also several adoption grants, usually based on need, that adoptive parents can apply for if they need additional financial assistance. We decided to apply for three grants that seemed promising for our particular situation.

So... in conclusion, yes, adoption is pretty pricey. Our adoption will probably be between $13,000 and $18,000. But there's hope, it's doable, and we believe it all to be worth it. x

Beautiful Feet

Got these during our last visit to Cambodia... so cute, so small. x

Nursery Inspiration...{hoot}

Part of the adoption waiting room is getting ready for baby, just as any expectant parent would. Nursery, baby gear, registries, you name it. It's been pretty fun.

Our nursery theme... OWLS! Colors... orange, brown, sage, teal. I've always loved owls, but inspiration for the nursery officially began with this cute little guy...



Equally inspiring was our little travel swing by Fisher Price...



And for sleep... we are honored to be using a "one-year mini crib" (something my grandma says used to be "all the rave") that belonged to my grandpa when he was a baby, and then used again by my mom, aunts, uncles, cousins... and even me! Perhaps one of its most unique features is it has wheels, and is small and light enough to fit through doorways. Great for us, since we plan on co-sleeping (at least in the same room), but will also have the option of moving the crib around the house.

Here's my hubby cleaning it up and putting it together... (isn't he the cutest?)



I even got these super cute patches on Etsy to appliqué onto the mini crib bumper I found...



I'll keep posting as the projects move along...

A car seat was at the top of our priority list, so a couple of weeks ago we got an orange and grey Chicco travel system (car seat/stroller combo that click together) on Craigslist... excellent condition, half the price...

Registries? While we'll probably hold off any showers until after we've been officially matched, the registries have officially started at BabiesRUs and MyRegistry.com. x

True Colors

Saturday we took a trip over to Oakland for a Pact workshop on transracial adoption called 'True Colors'. In addition to being a great placement organization, Pact is dedicated and committed to quality adoption education with all members of the adoption triad (child, birth family, adoptive parents), regardless of whether they are using their placement services.

We highly respect Pact for their commitment to ethics and adoption education, and it was a primary reason we decided to work with them.

True Colors... what's that? Transracial adoption (meaning adopting a child who is of a different race than your own) requires additional sensitivity and parenting skills. An adopted child of color will naturally face challenges related to their race that parents of a different race have never experienced (for example, I will never know entirely what it is like to grow up as an African American because it is not something I can experience).

Is this really an issue? Does race really matter? Yes. Many of us, especially those who belong to the majority, were raised to treat race as if it was invisible. Just don't talk about it, and it won't matter. Treat everyone the same, and race will no longer be an issue. While this may sound like the ideal (after all, we know skin color is not related to a person's true character), it unfortunately has not worked. We continue to live in a racist society, and children need to be prepared to handle discrimination when it happens. We can't deny the fact our children will face racism somewhere. We certainly don't want our children to internalize racism as if it has something to do with them. Therefore, it needs to be talked about. For more on this, see my post from 3 Dec 2009.

The seminar was great. Lots was discussed. Lots was shared. Two adult transracial adoptees of color shared their personal experiences and gave insight on what it felt like to be raised by white families where they were the racial outsider. Both were raised during a time when adoptive parents were not told they should address issues of race, and in fact, both adoptees said their parents continue to be reluctant to talk about such issues even today.

Both experienced severe racism growing up, but felt they had no one to talk to about it. Both struggled with fitting in. Both experienced a time during which they wished they were white. Both internalized their racism at a very young age. Both felt they had to deal with their insecurities on their own. Both continue to grapple with their experience even today.

Interestingly, just last week Genilson and I watched a documentary called Adopted directed by Barb Lee. I had been wanting to see it for ages, and it just recently became available on Netflix, so I added it to my queue, and it just happened to arrive days before this seminar. I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in the effects of international and transracial adoption, though I should warn it is equally (or perhaps more) depressing as it is hopeful.

Parallel to everything said by the adult adoptees at 'True Colors', Adopted's Jen Faro, a Korean adult adoptee, struggles intensely with the fact that her family refuses to discuss her "Korean-ness" and cannot understand why their 32 year old daughter never felt bonded to them, or why she is making such a 'fuss' over her race. Faro's journey is paralleled with another couple's excitement and joy as they travel and pick up their new daughter in China. The journeys of both are a dichotomy between overwhelming anticipation and overpowering regret.

Perhaps the most cutting comment made by Faro (at least for me) was her statement that "families adopt, but adoptees adapt". Faro continuously felt she had to adapt to what her family wanted of her rather than just being herself. She felt her family pretended, needed and wanted her to be white, so she did all she could to reject her Korean-ness and be as "white" as she could. She felt she couldn't talk about her Korean heritage, or even the fact the she was adopted, because it would hurt her family's feelings, and come across as ungrateful. Growing up, she chose to ignore her true feelings, and learned to adapt. As an adult, Faro attempts to reach out and speak with family about this reality. Unfortunately, her family members are confused and can't understand what their daughter is even talking about.

If anything, the film and True Colors definitely bring the "why" of so much adoption education to the forefront. We certainly want to built an attachment relationship with our child, and do not want our child to grow up in resentment of the fact that we cannot acknowledge their racial identity.

It is a blessing to know we are working with an organization as committed to education as Pact, and adopting during a time when these challenges are being openly talked about. x

Romans 8:25

The waiting room of adoption consists of a lot less "doing" and a lot more faith. Faith in adoption professionals. Faith in the system. And of course, faith in God's goodness and perfect timing.

Faith can be difficult, even for the most seasoned of believers. I know it is for me. Many of us are just so control-obsessed. We want to control, or at least pretend to control, practically everything in our lives. Relinquishing control and having to depend on faith alone often makes us antsy and uncomfortable. Of course, the two of us have had to maintain faith in God in other areas of our lives - in our marriage, at work, for financial support, for ministry direction, etc. But this is a different area of our lives, and we know it's only the beginning of the patience and faith we will have to learn as parents.

Since officially entering the waiting room - only 10 days ago - I feel we've been walking around in a kind of a daze. We certainly have lots of responsibilities, lots to do. Work, house projects, errands, bills to pay. We have friends, family. But regardless of what my hands are doing, what my brain is thinking, or what my lips are saying, at least 10% of my mind (maybe more) is aware of the fact that our lives are about to change, causing me to wonder when it's all going to happen, where our baby is at that very moment, and whether anyone is currently considering us as parents for their child.

It's difficult. It's difficult because I want things to happen now. I want to know. I want to open my heart and believe that all of this is actually going to happen. I want parenthood to stop being a romantic dream, and for it to become reality in front of my very eyes.

But this isn't where the difficulty ends. It only complicates more when I realize that I need, I want to allow God to maintain control over this situation - not me. I don't know best. God knows better. I don't just want any baby, I want to be chosen by birth parents whose baby is a right match for us. And because God knows this baby intimately already, I want to trust His timing more than my own.

So there it is. The difficult balance of waiting and faith. It's overwhelming, it's exhausting, it's challenging. It's only the beginning. But it's part of the ride, and we know it's worth it. x

The Waiting Room

Well, the wait is here... officially (though I guess we've been "waiting" in some capacity all along).

This morning we had our final "preliminary chat" with Beth over at Pact... basically the last conversation before the official "wait" was to begin.

It was exciting and intimidating all at the same time when the call was coming to a close and Beth told us we are now officially "out there" ... waiting for a potential match. The wait could be a day, a month, or several months, maybe even a year. Regardless of how long, we are officially "waiting"... waiting to be found... waiting for the "call"... waiting to be matched... waiting to be parents... and bringing our baby home is just around the corner.

So how does it all work? Our profile (see last post), which has been translated into English and Spanish, has been sent over to Pact who will present it to expectant parents looking into adoption. When expectant parents choose us as their first choice, Pact will give us a call, present information on the birth family, and give us some time to think it over. If we feel it's a good match for us, Pact will help us connect with the expectant parents (whether by phone, or with a visit if they are close by, etc.). Sometimes, we might get a call about a baby that is due within 24 hours, or has already been born.

From there, the process could follow several different journeys depending on the particular situation of the birth parents, their location, and how far along they are in their pregnancy. So more on that when it actually happens.

It's all very exciting. It's one step closer... a very significant step closer. We are thrilled, nervous and overwhelmed all at the same time. The waiting period could very well last a long time (or at least what feels to be a very long time), so it's a challenge to balance being excited with knowing we will need to have patience... but it's a challenge we're excited to be facing. Keep us in your prayers as we wait!

Yay!
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